Health Care for My Nizzles

With the thousand page health care bill being forced through Congress by the end of the July session, it's hard to predict the future of Obama's plan. If it fails, many fear that the momentum created (especially by his riveting speech Wednesday) will dissipate. If it succeeds, the bureaucratic backlog will create a vacuum where overworked doctors cannot compete with the amount of new patients. This will leave financially stable patients to die in waiting rooms across the country. The cause of death? A severe drop in their sense of self-worth.

Many in Congress have already admitted that the thousand page bill cannot be read before the President's deadline, but would probably not be read even if given more time. This leads the casual observer to suggest that Congress handle this matter the way they handle other matters. Republicans and Democrats should just pull their dicks out and compare size. Whoever has the largest members has the largest vote. Health care solved.

The Dick-in-your-Hand Solution does possess a few drawbacks, though. Obviously Governor Mark Sanford and John Ensign would be exempt due to personal reasons. A less radical approach would be a shouting contest. Participants merely need to turn on their televisions for a few hours. Whichever party can air the most political commercials for their cause wins. Like many Americans, I refuse to take anything at face value. That's why I sided with the first commercial I saw. That's also why I called my grandmother and urged her to stay indoors after hearing Lil' Wayne sing "I wanna f*ck every girl in the world". Knowing Lil' Wayne's dedication to his work, I just couldn't take any chances.

Down Tila Tequila's Britches

It has been a tiring two weeks since the passing of pop icon Michael Jackson. Celebrations have sprung up all over the world as well as the ongoing controversy surrounding his death. With all the Michael Jackson news flying around, it's hard to decide which stories should be given the most credence. The story that seems to be slowly rising to the top, though, is not of Michael Jackson the famous singer, but Michael Jackson the most influential civil rights leader this country has ever seen.

National figures such as Jesse Jackson and the Rev. Al Sharpton have publicly acknowledged their debt to this trail blazing pioneer. At the official memorial, Sharpton said, "It was Michael Jackson who brought blacks and whites and Asians and Latinos together". I feel embarrassed, because I honestly had no idea. I can only assume that folks from the 1960's were equally unimpressed with Martin Luther King, Jr. It isn't until post-mortem that a person's true greatness can be fully appreciated. I can't wait until more celebrities die. Then I can finally find out what I'll remember them for.

At one point in his address, Sharpton claims the Oprah's and the Obama's of the world only exist by standing on the shoulders of Michael. I applaud you, Rev. Sharpton, for having the courage and clarity to say what I always knew in my heart to be true. I'm not sure if I could have ever voted for a black president had I not heard "Don't Stop Til You Get Enough".

Always the provocateur of unbiased journalism, Bill O'Reilly challenged Sharpton's portrayal of Jackson on the O'Reilly Factor. During the interview, Sharpton said Jackson changed the face of Mtv and Rolling Stone Magazine by breaking down racial barriers. O'Reilly replied by saying that Mtv and Rolling Stone Magazine are "not important". And I suppose Mtv's hit show A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila is "not important" either? Obviously Mr. O'Reilly is unaware that the pulse of America is located somewhere down her pants.

Mark Sanford Pops His Cherry

By now everyone's exhausted by the news of South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford and his torrid love affair. Not to beat a dead horse (or a dying career), but the sympathetic voices have been silent for too long. Yes, he left the country over Father's Day weekend to sleep with an Argentinian woman. Yes, he used tax-payer money to fund the trip and past trips. Yes, he had Joel Sawyer publicly state that he was hiking the Appalachian Trail. And yes, after being caught he described every minute detail on national television. But is it really the fact that Sanford slept with this woman that has the media in such an uproar? Or the way in which he defended himself?

Many Democrats would describe Sanford's actions as "hypocritical" considering his opposition towards Bill Clinton during the Monica Lewinsky sex scandal. In actuality, though, Sanford's actions are not hypocritical. He is merely carrying on the long tradition of politicians to say one thing and then secretly do another. It's only hypocrisy if you believe what you're saying. Besides, what powerful politician hasn't had an extramarital affair? Clinton, Kennedy, Edwards? The problem lies not in the affair, but his admission of emotional connection. If you're on a diet and you sneak a piece of cake- it's ok! Just don't start calling that piece of cake your "soul-mate". Sanford, you have a lot to learn about womanizing.

Michael Jackson, Neda and Iranian Discontentment

With the now almost absent coverage of the Iranian election crisis by the American media, one is left to draw only one conclusion- that Iranians are huge Michael Jachson fans. Although obviously in mourning, there is no doubt they could have had a beautiful courtship if only they had the chance to be introduced. Iran, of course, would have made the first move. Michael would have blushed and possibly giggled.

After two and half weeks of Iranian protests, there seems no end in sight to the protests or the government backlash. On Monday, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad added a new spice to his bullshit casserole. The Fars news agency reported Ahmadinejad as saying the death of Neda Agha-Soltan was "suspicious". Iran's Ambassador to mexico, Mohammad Hassan Ghadiri, added ". . . if the CIA wants to kill some people and attribute that to the government elements, then choosing women is an appropriate choice, because the death of a woman draws more sympathy".

Although the CIA denies any involvement, it's clear that our boys in polyester suits are earning their keep. What better way to drag the spotless reputation of the Republic of Iran through the mud? Then it should only be fitting, folks, that Iran would send it's own team of cracker-jacks over to the States for some Bourne Supremacy styled ass kicking. Their target? - Michael Jackson.

Apparently this was done as an attempt to throw off the Western media to the growing discontentment in Iran. What better way to alter the 24-hour streaming news giants like CNN and MSNBC than to kill an icon of the 1980's? Even Al Jazeera can't mask the awful truth, though. The truth that Iran had Michael Jackson killed to divert the spotlight. That or they caught him in bed with Israel.