The Choking Game for Dogs

By now you've heard of the Choking Game where kids deprive themselves of oxygen to achieve a small rush. Some kids get injured. Some kids die. It's horrible. Well, apparently this type of reckless behaviour isn't reserved strictly for children. I went into Ernie's room (yes, my dog has his own room) and found something very peculiar in his sock drawer. It was a bag of Ol' Roy dog biscuits with about 5 or 6 chocolate truffles throw in.

At first I was appalled that he would bring that inferior dog food into our home, but when I found the truffles, I was speechless. Come to find out it's some sort of Russian roulette for dogs. A couple dogs sit around in a circle and you close your eyes and grab a treat from the bag. Some are dog biscuits. Some are truffles. Some make your coat shiny. Some kill you.

Speaking of drug addicts, Rush Limbaugh said on his radio program that the media is making too big a deal over this whole oil spill fiasco. "The ocean will take care of this on it's own. . . " Limbaugh said. "It's natural. It's as natural as the ocean water is". I agree. What better way to solve a man-made catastrophe than to pass the buck back to mother nature?

And as apathetic as I am to the environment and Rush Limbaugh, I'm equally apathetic to what Ernie does in his free time. Honestly, I think he's a giant tool. Never really cared for the guy. But what I really don't like is being lied to. Ernie had the audacity to say he was holding them for a friend.

Doggy Racism: Radio Personality Advocates Poisoning Pit Bulls

This morning, I was appalled at what I read. According to BADRAP.org, a San Francisco based pit bull advocacy group, a dj for station KGO advised a woman to kill her neighbor's dog by throwing poisoned meat over the fence. Len Tillem, the attorney and radio personality, offered an apology the following day after numerous complaints to the station and threats of FCC intervention.

Personally, I'm appalled by these pit bull advocates. Animals are basically the last group we have left to discriminate against. It's so easy. They don't complain about making lower wages. They don't care if they're allowed to vote or not. And they don't mind riding in the back of the bus. Assuming, of course, that the bus is heading towards a slaughter house.

So I applaud you, Len Tillem, for encouraging people to commit animal cruelty. Some might label this as nothing more than doggy racism, and they'd be right. And the fervor that we failed to subdue with blacks in the 1950's and 60's and women in the 1920's, must be increased when it comes to animal rights in this decade. Because if we, as Americans, lose the right to impede on the rights of others, what rights will we have left? Well, at least we'll still have Mexicans (Oh! Almost forgot about the homosexuals!).


Len Tillam: Let me ask you a question. I'm not encouraging it. Have you already started thinking about rat poison wrapped in hamburger meat thrown over the fence?
Caller: Uhm...No
LT: Well you should
Caller: Well I thought of something but I have a cat...
LT: Oh wait til they kill your cat. Pit bulls love to kill cats. Wait and see what and your 3 year old kid will have to go to therapy because he saw his dead cat being chewed up by the pit bull.
Caller: Oh I hope not.
LT: Welcome to pit bull world. And everything I'm saying about pit bulls I mean and I know with all my heart is true and if you own a pit bull you're an idiot.

Click here to read the full article by BADRAP.org.

A Day in Pictures

The tree in my front yard is apparently having it's period.

My wife is definitely NOT having her period.*

Lilly and Clementine admiring Red as she plays in the backyard. None of them will ever have their period again.

*This picture is actually from a few weeks back. Since then, Lukas has added an addition or two to his living space.

Come On, Diddy!

Dixie, our 2 year old little girl, is hands down the most lovable and vocal dog we've owned. She's half Chihuahua and half Dachshund. The designer breed aficionados refer to them as Chiweenie's or Mexican Hotdogs. Although we didn't buy her from a breeder, I can't help but think that's where she came from.

We got Dixie as a very small 8 week old puppy from a no kill shelter in Morganton, NC. I didn't even think twice about it at first, but now that I've put a little more thought into it, what was a designer breed puppy doing in an animal shelter. Was she possibly the runt of the litter? Is it because her overbite is too exaggerated? Or is it simply because whatever backyard breeder owned her couldn't find a buyer quick enough and tossed her away.

I don't feel like getting into a philosophical debate about why I think breeders are bad, but I will say that Dixie is so sweet and so precious that the thought of someone labeling her 'disposable' or 'not profitable' makes me physically sick. At our house Dixie may be the smallest, but her personality is impossible to overlook.

A Pit Bull Attacks My Son (While Still In Utero!)

They warned me. They warned me. They warned me. Friends. Family. Complete strangers. They all warned me of the dangers of allowing a pit bull around a child, and I refused to listen. You've heard of the bad reputation held by pit bull type dogs, they're vicious, unpredictable and prone to attack without warning. Sadly, those rumors were proven right this past week. Our 1 year old pit bull mix, Red, made her first attack against our son, Lukas.

My wife, Bekki, decided one night to drive up to the local Arby's for a roast beef sandwich. Instead of putting Red in her kennel, she put a leash around her neck and invited her to hop in the car. Bekki's prego stomach is now beautifully bulbous, but somewhat restricting when it comes to movement. This weakness was not overlooked by Red. As soon as they got on the street, Red distracted Bekki by squirming in her seat. Bekki went to move some papers from under Red's bottom. When she looked up, she saw she had run into a telephone pole. When she tried to back up, she realized that their was a fire hydrant stuck under the car.

I've underestimated Red's cunning. I was expecting an attack of a more physical nature, but I have to tip my hat to her inventiveness. A pregnant woman gets into a car crash, demolishes city property and causes over $2,000 worth of auto damage, and who's the last one that anyone suspects? The dog.

Pit Bulls Don't Kill Babies, Their Teeth Do

A coworker recently posed the question,"With a new baby on the way, what are you going to do about those dogs of yours?" I was a little perplexed, so I asked him to elaborate. "You can't have those dogs around a baby" he said, "Especially that pit bull. You'll see". I'm assuming he said 'you'll see' because he believes I'm blind and not because he's never owned a pit bull or a baby. Yes, you own babies.

I suppose I hadn't thought about it, though. Bekki and I tolerate the dogs and their vicious behaviour, but why should our child have to? I guess I could take them in the backyard and fill them with buckshot. I could line them up against the fence and do it execution style. As long as I don't place their bodies in the Indian burial ground, I should be alright. I watched Pet Cemetery. I know what happens there.


Or, or, this is just a thought. . . I could do nothing. I'm just throwing that out there. Call me crazy. Bekki grew up on a farm with dogs and chickens and dinosaurs and she turned out alright. There weren't any pit bulls, though. And I did hear once that pit bulls and children don't mix. And I am one to believe whatever someone tells me as long as they sound convincing. That's why I stay away from that Indian burial ground. Dog zombies suck.

Guy on a Red Couch

Yes, the couch is red and the guy is me. Enjoy:

Short People With Short Tempers

Animal Planet is debuting a new show on January 16th at 10PM. It deals with Shorty, a former actor who owns a Hollywood talent management company and also a pit bull rescue organization. The catch is that Shorty is a midget. Hopefully the pit bulls don't mistake him or his friends for toddlers. We all know how pit bulls feel about toddlers.

Ernest Ruins Christmas

Did you ever watch those Ernest movies growing up? Ernest Saves Christmas was always my favorite. So much, in fact, that we named our first dog Ernest in honor of the film. And, yes, Ernie has saved Christmas on several occasions, but this year was not one of his better performances.

My mother and father trekked the icy roads to visit us this week. My mother was in the room during the ultrasound to play witness to the teary eyes and gasps of joy when the doctor announced that we would be having a bouncing baby boy. Few times in my life have I been happier than at that moment. I can't wait for all of the wonderful father/son bonding experiences. We can hike. We can fish. We can tell girls we love them just so they'll show us their boobs and then we'll never call them again. It will be truly magical.

After the ultrasound, we drove up to Asheville for some heavy duty baby shopping. My mom promised to buy us a crib, but went all out with a 4-in-1 convertible crib, bedding, a mattress and baby clothes. It was more than we were expecting, but we didn't protest too much. The bedding has a jungle theme which can only mean one thing: I have free reign to paint tigers on our walls.

On the drive home, we decided on an evening of pizza and television (none of us were capable of much else). But before I could even turn the lights on as I walked in the front door, I slipped on a huge puddle of brown grossness. Once I flipped the switch, we noticed four more piles of brown grossness. Then as we marched through the house, we were met with three more huge piles of grossness on our brand new couch. Then I found another pile on the old couch, and two more piles on our new area rugs. Just as we started to put the pieces together, Ernie comes walking into the room with a paper Christmas bag wrapped around his neck.

Ernie is fine. After Bekki going into hysterics and calling the emergency vet, Ernie is fine. Apparently, he got into some chocolate my mom had brought me. You see, Terry's Chocolate Orange is a Christmas staple for me. So my mom, being the superb gift-giver that she is, brought us up two. Ernie wasn't aware they were for us and decided to eat both of them and most of the tinfoil that they're wrapped in. The piles of brown grossness weren't poop after all, they were piles of orange flavored chocolate and orange flavored stomach bile. Thank you, Ernie, you saved Christmas.

Babies and Dogs Are Kinda the Same Thing

"Kids are like dogs that slowly learn how to talk". I'm pretty sure that quote comes from the film Knocked Up. If anyone knows definitively, please clue me in. Wherever the origin of the particular quote, I feel it rings true. I for one can't wait until the first time I see my little bundle of joy dropping a deuce in the backyard. Or the first time s/he stands over me with a menacing look to establish pack dominance. Ah, precious memories.

Will I feel the same love towards the baby that I do towards the dogs? Don't underestimate my feelings for our four-legged family members. Hell, I even have a leather wallet with a corner chewed up. I can't remember which dog committed the crime, but I smile fondly every time I look at it. Will spit-up on my favorite shirt do the same thing? And when strangers walk up innocently and ask what breed the baby is, how should I respond? There are so many questions that I suppose I'll just have to figure out along the way.

Let Sleeping Dogs Snore

Here is the pointless cute animal video of the day. In order to get the full effect, turn the volume on your computer up really loud. Watch:

Pit Bulls and Pregnant Women

After weeks of seeing advertisements but never actually getting to catch the show itself, I finally saw the new show on Animal Planet, Pit Bulls and Parolees. Basically, a husband and wife team own the largest pit bull rescue group in the country. The twist is that they are both ex-cons and employ parolees to work on their 10 acre rescue. It's like American Chopper, but with dogs instead of motorcycles.

And if ranting about dogs bores you, just wait until this kid pops out. The ultrasound, by the way, is scheduled for December 21st and we're super excited to find out the sex. My mom and dad are actually coming up from Charleston to celebrate with us (and buy baby stuff)! We bought some cute bodysuits and, believe me, I'm eager to show them off. I've been trying to post a video that shows the bodysuits, but to no avail. I tried asking fellow blogger and professional mentor Prince Gomolvilas for help, but he just fed me some hippie bullshit about looking inward.

My wife, Bekki, is feeling better now. She still gets bouts of nausea, but I do believe that the three month long morning sickness is officially over. She's starting to show and she looks radiant. She would strongly, strongly disagree. The baby is due towards the end of May. I'm hoping it will be a Taurus for obvious reasons. Bekki says that it will probably be a Gemini and that wishing for a Taurus is wishing for premature labor.

I'm secretly still pulling for a Taurus.

The Hot Dog Derby

My wife stumbled across this video and I thought it was too cute to not share with the world. Yes, the world reads my blog. I'm that cool.

Bully Breeds: The Umbrella Species

I just read a wonderful article written by Red Velvet Femme over at Pit Bull Patriarchy entitled, Pit Bulls, Umbrella Species, and the Matrix of Oppression. If discrimination gets you riled up, it's well worth the read.

A Tiger and a Bear Throw Down

The first time our pit bull and the new kitten wrestled, I felt the same apprehension as watching this video. I can't comment on the tiger and the bear, but Red and Lilly are now BFFs. Who woulda thunk it? Watch:

Who's the Animal?

With all the media hype, it's easy for most people to categorize pit bull type dogs and guard dogs as monsters, but the reality is that they are just dogs. It's amazing that so many of them can remain so loving and trusting after what humans have put them through. So why do we punish dogs for doing what they're taught to and ignore the hands that force them into these conditions?

Michael Vick wasn't imprisoned simply for dog fighting. He was imprisoned for shooting, electrocuting, drowning and beating numerous dogs to death who refused to fight. The remains of these dogs were found lying around his property. The NFL has reinstated Vick and, for purely monetary reasons, the SPCA has endorsed him as a reformed spokesman.

These dogs aren't monsters and didn't ask to live these typs of lives. Watch:

Just Like a Neutered Dog

Bob Barker, former host of the Price is Right, would end each episode by reminding us all to have our pets spayed and neutered. I agree with Mr. Barker. If more people would get their animals fixed then the number of unwanted, and subsequently euthanized, animals in our nations shelters would drastically decrease.

Ernie, our 8 year old Rat Terrier, came to us snipped, clipped and ready to go. We never had to make the tough decision of whether or not to have him fixed or not. I say "tough decision", because Ernie is a male. All of our other animals are, by sheer coincidence, female. I know this shouldn't make a difference, and put to the test it most definitely wouldn't, but when I think about it for any great length of time it sorta does.

Call it the male double standard, but there's something appealing by seeing a masculine mutt with a thick piece of sausage and a robust sack dangling between his legs. Who am I to take that away? Maybe there's a bit of penis envy there, too. Sure I'd love to walk around with no drawers on, and piss on anything I wanted to.

When we got Red, our 1 year old pit bull mix, spayed, the decision was made quickly and definitively. Not that I would ever let some horny little beagle or coon dog ever stick his pink thing into my sweet little girl, but I certainly wouldn't want a litter of puppies as my responsibility. I suppose it's the same with people. A man can run around fucking anything with a pulse and if the girl gets knocked up he can just duck the responsibility by skipping town.


So I suppose that if I ever get put into the position of having a dog neutered, I would do it proudly. Oh, and you should, too.

Required Reading: Queer Bedfellows by Red Velvet Femme (PitBullPatriarchy.blogspot.com)

Like a Pit Bull on a Preschooler

Earlier this week I attended a refresher course for my company. It was a two day class held outside of Charlotte, NC. One particular lecture stuck out in my mind. The speaker was talking about aggression at the work place in relation to motivation and he used the analogy of a "pit bull on a preschooler". It got the point across, but it also got me thinking about human nature and eugenics.

So I will ignore the years of abuse and neglect that "pit bull type" dogs have received as the root of their aggression. Instead I will focus only on the outcome of our mismanagement of these dogs and applaud cities like Denver, CO and Miami, FL for calling for the extermination of "dangerous breeds". Likewise, did you know that African Americans account for 39% of the prison population* and only 13% of the general population? Ignoring 400 years of abuse and neglect, I wonder if they qualify under Breed Specific Legislation?

On a similar note, while I was driving to Charlotte for the seminar I saw a dog walking down the side of I-40. Naturally I stopped and tried to coax the dog away from traffic. Upon seeing me the dog fled further down the highway. The breed? The dreaded American Pit Bull Terrier. I can only assume that he wasn't running away from me, but towards a preschool.

* Federal Bureau of Prisons