Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Smoking Blueberries

Last night I dreamt I was in a cigar shop. Like a real cigar shop, I remembered feeling overwhelmed with the amount of choices and my lack of knowledge. I told the shop keeper that I was a novice when it came to cigars and asked for his assistance. He brought me to the back of the shop and opened a small box. He then pulled out a danish with blueberries on top of it. "Smoke this" he said "and your whole house will smell like blueberries". I smiled politely and asked if he had anything else. Then he brings out this danish covered with cherries. He must've seen my confusion, because he proceeds to light the tip and smoke the danish.

At work today, I had a lengthy argument over whether a pastry can actually be lit on fire. I believe they can not.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

A Homemade Porno and a Reluctant Audience

A few weeks ago, an unsuspecting teenage girl accidentally texted my wife's cell phone. Unbeknown to this girl, there are folks out there who will play along and pretend to be people that they clearly aren't. Bekki is one of those folk.

Miss Lovelace: How's that new camera of yours working?

Bekki: Pretty good. Why?

Miss Lovelace: I'm thinking of getting one.

Bekki: I used it just last night to videotape myself.

Miss Lovelace: Cool. Did the picture turn out alright?

Bekki: Yeah, I filmed myself masturbating. LOL

Miss Lovelace: TMI.

Bekki: Do you wanna see it?

Miss Lovelace: No thanks. Maybe Richard does.

Bekki: Do you think Richard is trustworthy?

Miss Lovelace: I don't know. He's your boyfriend.

Bekki: It's a really good video.

Miss Lovelace: Once again, show Richard, not me.

Bekki: Alright, well tell me if you change your mind.

Miss Lovelace: Bye.

Bekki: Bye.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Scent of a Zombie: Daylight Savings, Women's Deodorant and the Walking Dead

AMC's new show, the Walking Dead, is highly addictive. Thanks to Ben Franklin and his daylight savings time, I had the energy to stay up long enough to catch the 1:00 AM replay. It was only the second episode and I'm already fiending for next Sunday. The whole week might as well be this gaping void whose sole purpose is to separate me from the next episode of perhaps the greatest show ever made. Seriously.

I keep thinking about the smell. Ever wondered what a zombie smells like? Neither had I before last night. And despite having rotting flesh on the brain all day, all I could smell was the scent of a beautiful woman. Every time I moved I caught this lovely smell. I'd look around and see nothing. I'd look up from my desk and wonder if someone was standing behind me and there would be no one. Finally I remembered that I had put my wife's deodorant on this morning. I think it was Dove.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Joe and Sam's Wedding

A few weeks ago, my best friend got married to a beautiful girl in a beautiful ceremony held at Alhambra Hall. Bekki and I were lucky enough to attend (with Lukas in tow, of course). It was Lukas' first visit to the Holy City. Unfortunately, there wasn't enough time to give him his first glimpse of the ocean. Perhaps next time. The pictures just got uploaded to the World Wide Web and I had to share a few. The complete album can be found here, for anyone who's interested.

And, yes, the groomsmen all wore Chuck Taylors. It's a Charleston thing. You wouldn't understand.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Ricky Martin is a Homosexual and Apparently That's Funny

A few weeks ago, an unsuspecting teenage girl accidentally texted my wife's cell phone. Unbeknown to this girl, there are folks out there who will play along and pretend to be people that they clearly aren't. Bekki is one of those folk.

Miss Lovelace: What's up girlie?

Bekki: I'm watching Oprah and eating chalupas.

Miss Lovelace: Oh, yeah. What's she talking about?

Bekki: Ricky Martin's on, now. He's talking about how he's a fag.

Miss Lovelace: LOL. You're too funny.

Bekki: Yeah, my prejudices are pretty funny.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

"Bob" by Drive-By Truckers

The Drive-By Truckers are a band that give humanity and intelligence back to Southern folks. Yeah, we had both, once. Listen:

Monday, November 1, 2010

AMC's The Walking Dead, Zombie Strippers and Jesus Riding a Dinosaur

What better night than Halloween night for AMC to premiere their new drama The Walking Dead? The show, having more to do with zombies than with parenthood (the leap from sleep-deprivation to corpses becoming reanimated is a small one), is as suspenseful as it is fun. But what kind of judge am I? I love anything related to zombies and I have since I was old enough to shit myself unintentionally. I've practically seen every zombie film out there, save one: Zombie Strippers.

Zombie Strippers is a 2008 horror satire starring Robert Englund (Freddy Krueger, anyone?) and Jenna Jameson (hepatitis, anyone?). I haven't seen it due to the sheer fact that I'm scared. Not in the oh-my-god-we-really-have-a-black-president scared, but the perhaps-they'll-be-more-boobs-than-blood-and-my-wife-will-throw-a-hot-bucket-of-popcorn-butter-into-my-lap scared. And anyone who's married knows that there's no one scarier than your spouse.

I recently read an interview with the Rev. Billy Graham. In it, Graham admits that the overwhelming physical evidence supporting the existence of dinosaurs can only be explained by the fact that dinosaurs existed during the days of the Garden of Eden and were present on Noah's Arc during the Great Flood. So I thought to myself, if Billy Graham has the courage to make a complete ass out of himself in front of the whole world in order to justify creationism, then perhaps I, too, can find the courage required to finally place Zombie Strippers on my Netflix queue.