Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Hey, it's me again. I know we haven't talked for awhile. I've been busy. I meant to call several times, but the moment never seemed right. I know there's a good deal of animosity between us, and I just want to be the bigger man and say, "I'm sorry". Let's put the past behind us and focus on what's important this holiday season. Primarily, what you're bringing me for Christmas this year.
Season 6 of A&E's Dog the Bounty Hunter wouldn't be a bad place to start. And if a $40 DVD set is too pricey, how about a t-shirt with Dog looking mean? Folded arms and sunglasses are a must. Also, I wouldn't mind a pair of Ed Hardy jeans- not because I admire the artistic work he and his mentor Sailor Jerry have created over the years, but because I saw some twelve year old at the mall looking really awesome in a pair. I want to be awesome, too.
All my wife wants for Christmas is for the trash to be taken out and for the floors to remain swept. So if you could send us a maid or something, that'd be really great. Just don't send that one maid that slept with Jude Law and ruined his marriage. I know, I know. Jude is just as much at fault. And I don't care how many times he apologizes, I don't want him cleaning my house, either.
That's about it. Once again, I'm sorry for the rift that's grown between us. And if Mrs. Claus didn't hear it from me, she would've heard it from someone else. Maybe instead of blaming me for your broken marriage you should follow Jude Law's lead and take ownership for what you've done. That or not let the paparazzi ride shotgun Christmas night.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
So to distance myself from the consumeristic mind games that Ralph Lauren's playing, I've embraced the counter culture the best way I know how; by purchasing a pair of Levi jeans and getting my granpa to recite Walt Whitman. Watch:
Monday, December 21, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Sadly, Mr. Carroll died a few months back at the age of 60. The official press release said that he died of a heart attack while sitting at his desk. They said he was writing, but I'm guessing it had something to do with internet porn. I want to know why it took me three months to find out. Why didn't I hear about this on the Joy Behar Show?
Monday, December 14, 2009
Salt water splashes up to relieve me from the heat
From this bridge I watch it reaching up to touch my dangling feet
On my chest each bead of sweat reflects the sunlight glistening
And the wind hides ‘neath the bridge like a train that’s whistling
Passed down family stories that reached me as a child
About the islands long ago when they still were young and wild
From its bottle littered shore men would test the devil’s tide
Their bellies filled with stolen beer and mischief in their eyes
In the bamboo forest making love to that same sweet girl I still do
Drinking way too much and puffing on that same cigarette that killed you
We thought to swim the devil’s tide, our manhood to declare
Our bellies slowly filled with fear, no thrill has since compared
On the day we spread your ashes where your soul has always been
On the shoreline I stood thinking you would escape him once again
And that as a child I would long in your shadow to reside
But damn if I hadn’t missed my chance to swim the devil’s tide
On the bridge above Breach Inlet, where the wind sweeps away rogue tears
And thoughts of boyhood chances that have escaped me with the years
No longer am I running for tomorrow or away from thoughts that bother
So here I sit and stare across the sunlit devil’s water
And at $6.99, why not?
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
And if ranting about dogs bores you, just wait until this kid pops out. The ultrasound, by the way, is scheduled for December 21st and we're super excited to find out the sex. My mom and dad are actually coming up from Charleston to celebrate with us (and buy baby stuff)! We bought some cute bodysuits and, believe me, I'm eager to show them off. I've been trying to post a video that shows the bodysuits, but to no avail. I tried asking fellow blogger and professional mentor Prince Gomolvilas for help, but he just fed me some hippie bullshit about looking inward.
My wife, Bekki, is feeling better now. She still gets bouts of nausea, but I do believe that the three month long morning sickness is officially over. She's starting to show and she looks radiant. She would strongly, strongly disagree. The baby is due towards the end of May. I'm hoping it will be a Taurus for obvious reasons. Bekki says that it will probably be a Gemini and that wishing for a Taurus is wishing for premature labor.