Monday, November 30, 2009

Catholic Church Shuns Baby Killers

When you become a member of the Catholic Church, you don't just give over your Sundays, you give over your soul. Recently, Rep. Patrick Kennedy, son of the late Ted Kennedy, published a letter from Bishop Thomas Tobin of Providence, Rhode Island, asking for Kennedy to not partake in holy communion due to his pro-choice stance. This merge-ment of politics and religion is apparently spreading like wildfire.

The Southern Baptist Convention, the largest Protestant denomination in the world, has recently revoked its endorsement of ex President George W. Bush over an obscure Bible verse. Critics of the SBC are saying that this is too little too late, but proponents of the decision are calling for higher ethical standards applied to other political leaders as well. Bush has publicly stated that he will not go back on his anti-"Thou shall not kill" stance, and has encouraged other politicians to stand up to this merge-ment of law and common sense.

"Asking a politician not to endorse killing is like asking a donkey and a horse not to make babies", Bush said in a press conference last Wednesday, "It's asinine". Other killing aficionados have come to Bush's aide, including Dick Cheney, Rush Limbaugh and Lord Voldemort from the Harry Potter series.

Likewise, the Pentecostal Church has excommunicated ex-President Bill Clinton for his numerous extramarital affairs, and the United Church of Christ has shunned current President Barrack Obama for eating pork. There have been no verified sitings of Obama consuming pork, but it is widely believed that all African American males love pork and/or pork by-products, which is in clear violation of Leviticus 11:7.

When questioned about the snowball effect that his request to Kennedy has had, Bishop Tobin responded with, "I love that episode of the Dave Chappelle Show where he says, 'I know better than to get between a nigger and they pork'. Fucking hilarious. Hey, whatever happened to that guy anyway?"

Friday, November 27, 2009

Happy Black Friday

Is this black enough for you?

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Johnny Depp Voted Sexiest Man Alive by People Magazine

Down here in the heart of Dixie, we may not have the best schools. We may not have the most efficient local governments, either. We sure as hell don't have the best oral hygiene, but what we do have is sort of a source of pride around these parts; People Magazine's "sexiest man alive".

Yes, Kentucky native Johnny Depp was just named the sexiest man alive by People Magazine (his second win). It still perplexes me, though, why they give it to anyone except Brad Pitt. I'm just sayin', that's one aesthetically pleasing Okie.

Who would YOU choose as the sexiest man alive?

I Hear There's Good Money in Hurting People's Feelings

On last Friday's episode of the Joy Behar Show, pop icon Robert Pattinson was the subject of public ridicule. Not only was Pattinson viciously mocked, he was done so by Danny Bonaduce. Fans of Pattinson will undoubtedly riot. There will be panic in the streets and mayhem in middle schools everywhere. To add insult to injury, Bonaduce made the slanderous statements while apparently dressed up as a pirate. That or some sort of transgendered gypsy.

Bonaduce, former child star and current hack, compared Pattinson to a blow fish and expressed fear of Pattinson because "he would definitely see me coming". More hurtful than comparing Pattinson to a fish, apparently, was comparing him to actress and celebutante Tori Spelling. I'm not sure about blow fish, but I'm pretty sure Tori Spelling has feelings - and probably cable.

So where does this trail of tasteless taunting lead us? Right to Conan O'Brien's doorstep. The host of The Tonight Show has finally woken Kirstie Alley from her deep slumber. And she's pissed. After numerous jokes about her weight, Alley responded on her Twitter account with, "I'll tell you ONE BITCH I'm gonna knck out next time I see her is CONAN O'BITCH O'BRIAN..that guy acts like I bit his dick off".

Jokes about some one's physical appearance can be found in any heckler's repertoire. So why all of a sudden is there such a surge of angry recipients? Come on, Kirstie Alley, can't you take a joke? It was all fun and games until you got your feelings hurt.

Monday, November 23, 2009

A Bull Market(ing Ploy)

I wrote a new post for Bamboo Nation.

Zombies Use Cell Phones to Eat Your Brains

I'm not what most people would call a technology guy. I don't have 3G wireless coverage. I don't have GPS that tells me when I'm lost, and I certainly don't ignore the company before me to text someone a thousand miles away. Truth be told, I don't even own a cellphone.

I know, how can a guy claiming to be so technology illiterate run such a beautifully laid out blog? Truthfully, Prince Gomolvilas met me a few years ago at a pool hall, killed me in a bathroom stall and stole my identity. He uses my moniker as his pen name and my life as his inspiration. He's a nice enough guy, but don't ever give him pointers at the billiards table.

I went out to eat the other night (celebrating the end of the 1st trimester) and a group of youngsters were sitting at a table together texting. None of them would speak, they just kept texting. They were like zombies! I know I'm suppose to be the zombie (remember, Prince killed me and dumped my body in the Hudson River? Stay with me, people). These folks, however, were like lifeless corpses plugged into the matrix.

The photo at the top just goes to prove that people in third world countries are more technologically adapt than I am. Ssh, don't tell anyone, but I've never texted(sp?) anyone.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

"The Man's Machine" by Jamie T

What's there to say that can't be understood coming from Jamie T's lips? This is the latest single from Kings and Queens. Watch:

Castration Ruled as Mandatory Procedure

Alot of different people have been pleading their case for us to circumcise our child. I've been a strong opponent of circumcision, but I'm starting to understand the rationale behind it. If I have a boy and opt for him to be cut, he will have a penis that is easier to clean and, therefore, less likely to suffer from infection. From a purely medical stance, it makes sense, right?

Why stop there? I'm sure there are numerous other body parts just waiting to fowl up. If we removed the testicles from every male child then there would never be another case of testicular cancer. Oh, there are other organs that people get cancer in? Well, remove them, too. And if we end up as nothing more than a head in a formaldehyde jar, at least we won't have to worry about cutting our fingernails.

Another place people often get cancer in are breasts. It's like a cruel joke that God plays that something so wonderful can be so deadly. Oh, I can't catch breast cancer by simply squeezing and/or motor-boating a pair of breasts? Well, then who cares? And that's obviously the position the U.S. Preventive Services Task Force is taking. They just released their recommendation that women should start receiving mammograms starting at age 50, as opposed to their previous recommendation of age 40. They're saying that the insurance companies will continue to cover mammograms before the age of 50, but that they shouldn't be viewed as mandatory. I'm as confident that the insurance companies will cover an unnecessary procedure as I am that there's probably a lobbyist on the PSTF board.

Now all I need is a rubber band and a hacksaw.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Iron Mike Tyson

A person can forget how frighteningly insane Mike Tyson truly is. It helps to view a greatest hits collection to jog your memory. It's six minutes long, but it's definitely worth it. Watch:

Thursday, November 12, 2009

No Women, No Gays, No Jews

How gracious of the Pope to extend open arms to the splinter sections of the Episcopal Church. It's wonderful that they can create unity through exclusion. I'm speaking, of course, of the Catholic Church welcoming conservative members of the Anglican faith who are unsatisfyed with how their church sanctions gay unions and ordains gay and female members. Who would've thought the Catholic Church would be common ground for the social elite?

New York Bishop Suffragan Catherine Roskam replied with, "We appreciate the welcome the pope extended to those in the Anglican Communion who are disaffected. We for our part continue to welcome our Roman Catholic brothers and sisters, both lay and ordained, conservative and liberal, who wish to belong to a church that treasures diversity of thought." That's Anglican for "bitch, please".

Read the full article here.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Wu Tang is for the Animals

I ran across a series of PETA ads on the other day. I was somewhat shocked to find this psa from Wu Tang Clan memeber Masta Killa. Along with Inspecta Deck, Masta Killa is probably the most low key of the 9 member Wu Tang Clan, but that doesn't mean he has nothing to say. Watch:

Potty Talk

Can your large intestines really wrap around the world when laid flat? Apparently, I'm not the only one who was told that as a child. I typed it in on the Internet and was met with numerous responses. They all pointed to no, but the fact that the question is being asked by other people is somewhat satisfying. Despite this, my wife's reply to my question was, "Are you serious?"

Well, I still stand by my belief that diarrhea always follows constipation. The back-up of stool at the sphincter causes the stool at the back of the line to linger in the "blender" that is your stomach acid. Therefore, when the stool at the back of the line finally gets to the front of the line, it is in diarrhea form. It makes sense to me. My wife thinks I'm an idiot, though.

So how long are your large intestines when laid flat? 23 feet. That's a tad shy of the circumference of the Earth, but it's still pretty impressive. How long is the typical male's erection? 6 to 7 inches. Hey, I think about these things. Especially when you're sitting on the toilet for a little "me time", it makes sense to think about what's dangling in the toilet.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Men Who Stare at Cartoons; or The Legend of [adult swim]

As a teenager, I cringed at the robust laughter coming from my friends as they watched Cartoon Network's [adult swim]. Now as an adult, it helps to unwind from thoughts of earthly atrocities with a nice dose of the absurd. Throughout the day I find myself singing the theme song from Aqua Teen Hunger Force and quoting Family Guy as if it were holy scripture.

Squidbillies is perhaps my favorite show. There is even a family that lives about a block from my wife and I who we lovingly refer to as the Squidbillies. They aren't aquatic, but they are very "low income" and seem to enjoy many "low income activities". I was watching an episode of the Boondocks a few weeks ago and cranked up the volume when I heard Wu Tang Clan playing in the background. I knew right then that this is the greatest late night programming there has ever been or will ever be. Watch:

Monday, November 9, 2009

Outlaw Poetry

Introduction to Outlaw Poetry

Our lives are defined by moments. These moments shape us into the people we become. They remind us of the people we used to be and the people we could have been. These moments, however, do not hold the reins to our lives. Our lives are defined more by our reactions to these moments than to the moments themselves. How we handle ourselves under great joy and great loss and great hardship is a declaration to the world and to ourselves of our true character. These moments should be cherished.

Our lives are divided into chapters by the transitions we take. Divided by great chasms that form that forever separate our lives into before and after. Whether it’s a new job, a new girlfriend or a new car, these transitions are our attempts at redefining ourselves by reshaping our outside world. Sometimes these transitions are uncontrollable. They come in the form of death, new birth and betrayal. Sometimes they are even too painful to write about.

This collection of poetry was written during one of these transitions and contains many of these moments. These pages are a poetic diary detailing a chapter in my life. They are a personal recreation of events and thoughts. If by some faint coincidence someone else can relate to the words I’ve written then perhaps my experiences will be that much richer. And if another’s eyes never meet these words then may they help me to remember the life I’ve lead.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Babies, Booklets and Breakdancing

Things have busy out here in the boondocks. The old ball and chain is back at work after the expiration of a doctor's restrictions. Our little embryo is doing extremely well. Bekki and her father are both insisting that it's a boy, but we won't be sure on that until about a month from now.

The collection of poetry I've been working on (and off) is finally complete. I've decided to "self publish" it. This is due more to my impatience concerning responses from publishers than any deep rooted fear that my writing isn't good enough to receive acceptance (which it probably isn't). More on that soon.

And I finally put up a MySpace page. You may have noticed (or not) the link at the top right of the page. Yeah, that's my MySpace page. If you're excited about hearing amateur poetry read at breakneck speed over pre-recorded beats, or if you're just curious to hear what my voice sounds like, check it out. Plus, I need as many friend requests as possible to justify the time I wasted in the recording studio.

"Start Wearing Purple" by Gogol Bordello

I stumbled across this record one night while hosting WNCW's ARC Overnight. The album is Gypsy Punks: Underdog World Strike, and the group is called Gogol Bordello. They blend together a unique mixture of dub, punk and traditional Romanian Gypsy music. It wasn't until recently that I was reminded of the group via the film Wristcutters: A Love Story. The groups odd music seemed eerily normal as the soundtrack for the film. I can't recreate the film in one short paragraph, but this video does well to capture the insanity that is Gogol Bordello. Watch:

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Netflix and the Richmond High School Gang Rape

Recently, I have played witness to a string of vicious sexual assaults. I witnessed these assaults via my Netflix subscription. First, it was an episode of the award winning HBO series Six Feet Under where a young girl, under the impression that she would be raped, ran into traffic and was killed. Then there was the 1995 drama Leaving Las Vegas starring Nicholas Cage and Elizabeth Shue. Shue's character, a lonely prostitute, is gang raped by college students. Finally, we watched Boys Don't Cry, the true story of Brandon Teena, a transgendered man who was viciously raped and murdered. Hillary Swank won an Oscar for her portrayal of Teena.

And I'll be god damned if art doesn't imitate life. It makes you wonder if people are inherently evil. How could two dozen people all find this morally reconcilable? None of them objected. None of them called the police. None of them tried to help in any way. A small part of me hopes that the child growing in my wife's stomach is not a little girl. I couldn't imagine a lifetime of worrying and a lifetime of protecting someone from these wolves that roam our streets and, apparently, our public schools. Watch:

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

A Tiger and a Bear Throw Down

The first time our pit bull and the new kitten wrestled, I felt the same apprehension as watching this video. I can't comment on the tiger and the bear, but Red and Lilly are now BFFs. Who woulda thunk it? Watch:

Monday, November 2, 2009

"Re-Animator": What Does Tom Cruise Really Believe?

Scientology is a religion founded by a popular American science fiction writer. They believe that an alien named Xenu came to Earth and placed hundreds of bodies around volcanoes. He then put hydrogen bombs in the volcanoes and when they exploded, thetans (souls) flew out of the volcanoes and stuck to the bodies. This is Scientology's creation theory. They believe a bunch of crazy stuff, but, then again, which religion doesn't.

Last night, I watched Re-Animator for the first time. It's based on a short story by H.P. Lovecraft. I know that Lovecraft was a science fiction writer and that Scientology was developed by a science fiction writer. Therefore, Tom Cruise prays to H.P. Lovecraft. And that's fine. A man can pray to whomever he wants. Hell, George Carlin prayed to Joe Pesci.

I hope for the sake of Scientologists, though, that what transpired in the film Re-Animator was foreshadowing for what could happen if man continues to meddle in dark sciences, and not a how-to guide for wacky young doctors who pop erections over Frankenstein. If not, Tom Cruise is a sick, sick bastard.