Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Megan Fox Brings Sexual Tension to the UN

There has been much outrage surrounding the recent UN meeting in New York City and one participant in particular, Muammar al-Gaddafi. Sure he's viewed by many as a chief sponsor of terrorist related activities over the past four decades. Sure he delivered an impassioned hour and half long speech before the United Nations where he bashed the UN Security Council and the United States. Sure he supports giving the Taliban a permanent residency similar to the Vatican. At least he didn't partake in a decade long sexual relationship with his daughter like that John Phillips bastard. And I thought the worst thing the Mamas and Papas did was "California Dreamin".

Gaddafi didn't come to America, though, to play second fiddle to Mackenzie Phillips on the Oprah Winfrey show. Contrary to popular belief, he didn't come to America for the gathering of the United Nations, either. No, he came to New York for the opening weekend of the new Diablo Cody penned film "Jennifer's Body". Starring Megan Fox, this film from 20th Century Fox tells the tale of a teenage girl who becomes a vampire and starts slaughtering teenage boys. Obviously Gaddafi is a fan of teenage slasher films. That or he saw Megan Fox on the movie poster and assumed it was "Transformers III".

Columbia Pictures is fighting back with their own horror/comedy, Zombieland. Starring Woody Harrelson and Jesse Eisenberg as survivors of a zombie plague that has engulfed the world, the film traces the characters on a cross-country trek to an amusement park where they hope to find shelter from the chaos. Fans lined the streets of New York as Gaddafi entered the UN building, wrongly assuming that his speech would be a tad more pro-"Jennifer's Body" and a tad less anti-United States. Subsequently, Gaddafi's Myspace page has been flooded with angry comments.

Critics cite Harrelson's portrayal of Woody Boyd on the Chicago-based sitcom Cheers as the primary reason for Gaddafi's unusually reserved speech. Donald Trump, no doubt, tipped him off to the fact that President Barack Obama and Oprah Winfrey, the two most powerful people in America, have at one point or another referred to the Windy City as home. As fragile as these alliances may seem, though, the real threat today was played out by Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Upon taking the stand, Ahmadinejad removed a black iPod from his coat pocket and placed it to the microphone where for two minutes and forty-two seconds the UN was subjected to "California Dreamin" by the Mamas and the Papas. Oprah could not be reached for comment.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

101 Reasons Why "Lord of the Rings" Sucks

Reason #67: Kanye West Isn't In The Film

How can a film be so widely hailed as one of the greatest trilogies ever made when it is clearly lacking the star power that someone like Kanye would bring? I understand that the box office numbers made by these films is impressive, but think of what they could've been with Kanye. Hell, the Bible is only the best selling book of all time because Kanye endorses it. And the new Dan Brown novel? I hear the hero is replaced by a certain puffy-jowled musical genius. And, no, it's not Mick Jagger.

Don't think you can just throw some menial role in his direction, either. This guy goes for lead or he goes home. Just ask Justice and Simian from the MTV Europe Music Awards. They remember what happens when 'Ye doesn't get the recognition he deserves. So, I'm guessing the role of Gandalf. I know Frodo is technically the main character, but could you really picture Mr. West as a midget? No, he's too larger than life for that. And if Kanye would have been at the Bridge of Khazad-dûm, he would've messed that Balrog up. Even if he did fall down that pit with the Balrog monster, it would've been done just to show how awesome he can fall down a hole.

Peter Jackson is a smart guy. He knew the popularity of the film would have been earth shattering if Kanye West portrayed Gandalf, but the truth of the matter is that Peter Jackson hates black people. Did you see any other black characters in the movie? Hmm? Was that Gary Coleman playing Samwise Gamgee? Hmm? The lovable Hobbit sidekick? No, it was Sean Astin. You disappoint me, Peter Jackson. And what's worse, you disappoint Kanye West.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Kanye Finds Divinity Through Embarrassing Others

Faith is a fleeting ideal these days. Perhaps we can learn something, though, from the recent actions of Kanye West at the Video Music Awards. Yes, Taylor Swift won best female video, but can't we just have faith that Kanye knows what's best? If he believes Beyonce should have won then maybe she did. What's real and tangible can always be replaced by something that's not if you have enough faith. And Kanye has enough faith in his own opinion that whatever he believes becomes reality. So, there, Beyonce wins by reasons of divine intervention.

Isn't that where Taylor Swift failed, anyways? Wasting her time with countless hours of practicing, rehearsing, songwriting, ect. Instead of appealing to her fans and her artistic standard, she should have been chirping in Kanye's ear. If you can convince Kanye of something then it becomes reality. And if you don't believe that then you obviously have very little faith. Swift is still a child, though. At 19 she has no concept, no intellectual grasp of the kind of courage that it took Kanye to swipe the microphone from her hand as she recited her acceptance speech. For his actions you may crucify him now, but for his unwavering faith in his own opinions a place in Heaven will be surely reserved for him. That's assuming, of course, that he believes in Heaven, because if he doesn't then it probably doesn't even exist.