Saturday, October 31, 2009

Top 5 Scary Movies

  • 1. The Shining The 1980 film directed by Stanley Kubrick was an adaptation of the Stephen King novel of the same name. It stars Jack Nicholson.

  • 2. The Night of the Living Dead Although I was first exposed to the 1990 remake, the original from 1968 was directed by George A. Romero and set the archetype for moden zombie films.

  • 3. Halloween No critique of the horror genre is complete without mentioning John Carpenter's 1978 masterpiece. This film ushered in a slew of slasher films, including the Friday the 13th franchise as well as numerous sequels and remakes.

  • 4. Interview with the Vampire Perhaps my favorite vampire movie, this 1994 film is based on the 1976 novel of the same name by Anne Rice. It stars Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise and a young Kristen Dunst.

  • 5. 28 Days Later Set in post-apocolyptic England, this zombie film stars Cillian Murphy and Naomie Harris. For its depiction of a desolate London void of any life or civilization, it is required viewing.

Also, I just saw Zombieland and was floored. It was entertaining, funny and scary. I strongly recommmend it to anyone who enjoys campy horror films such as the Evil Dead series.

These are my top 5, what are yours?

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Who's the Animal?

With all the media hype, it's easy for most people to categorize pit bull type dogs and guard dogs as monsters, but the reality is that they are just dogs. It's amazing that so many of them can remain so loving and trusting after what humans have put them through. So why do we punish dogs for doing what they're taught to and ignore the hands that force them into these conditions?

Michael Vick wasn't imprisoned simply for dog fighting. He was imprisoned for shooting, electrocuting, drowning and beating numerous dogs to death who refused to fight. The remains of these dogs were found lying around his property. The NFL has reinstated Vick and, for purely monetary reasons, the SPCA has endorsed him as a reformed spokesman.

These dogs aren't monsters and didn't ask to live these typs of lives. Watch:

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

A Few Shuckable Oysters

With the almost unstoppable craze surrounding the circus known as Jon and Kate Plus 8, one could almost forget about an equally terrifying family de force, the Duggars from 18 Kids and Counting. Where Jon and Kate's crumbling marriage was sabotaged by bio genetically engineered sextuplets, the Duggars left the fate of their brood in the broad hands of God. Guess which family is not going through a nasty public divorce.

I'm not saying that God favors the Duggars over the Gosselins, but, then again, I'm not saying He doesn't. The Duggars are celebrating 25 years of marriage. The Gosselins made it through, what, ten years? I suppose time is relative, though. Remember, one season of TLC programming is like a thousand years for the Lord (Peter 3:8).

Sure, the Duggars are Children of the Corn-styled religious zealots hellbent on repopulating the Earth with people named Jedidiah, Jackson and Jinger (yes, it's Ginger, but with a J), but their is something magical about their devotion to each other. That and Michelle Duggar is sort of a babe. At 43 years of age, Michelle Duggar is an all natural beauty. Kate Gosselin is nice looking, but you sort of expect that from someone who has had as much plastic surgery as her. If I had a $4,000 boob job, I'd probably give myself an erection. I'm just sayin'.

On another topic, has anyone heard about the FDA banning the sale of raw oysters from the Gulf of Mexico? You can still eat the oysters, but they have to be treated with gamma radiation first. And for someone like Jim Bob Duggar, that's like having sex with a condom. Sure, it's still good, but it's just not the same.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

"Who Says" by John Mayer

I have long been opposed to "whispering assholes" like Jack Johnson and James Blunt. Their mellow and melodic songs are enough to put a colicky baby to sleep. I'm a virile young man with way too much energy to spend three and half minutes sitting quietly as some jerk whispers about a girl. The new John Mayer single, however, did catch me by surprise. Watch:

Monday, October 26, 2009

The New Addition

In the song "Ballad of a Thin Man" by Bob Dylan he sings, "You've been through all of F. Scott Fitzgerald's books/ You're very well read/ It's well known". Like Dylan, I've always felt a mild cynicism for well-read intellectual types. I suppose that's why I married a bookworm. Keep your enemies close, right?

We hired a carpenter to build a massive bookshelf to house all of my wife's literary victims. It's eleven feet long by seven feet tall and practically covers the whole wall. I've never been much into the written word, but a home library says something about a man. Hopefully it says something to exaggerate my phallus.

Aside from my wife's pretentious obsession with books, there's another area she excels in - baby making. I like to think that I had something to do with it, but I was there the night of conception, so trust me, I didn't do much. All of our efforts for the past three years have been aimed at this outcome and, now that it's finally here, we couldn't be happier. I just hope our dog-childs don't get jealous.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Just Like a Neutered Dog

Bob Barker, former host of the Price is Right, would end each episode by reminding us all to have our pets spayed and neutered. I agree with Mr. Barker. If more people would get their animals fixed then the number of unwanted, and subsequently euthanized, animals in our nations shelters would drastically decrease.

Ernie, our 8 year old Rat Terrier, came to us snipped, clipped and ready to go. We never had to make the tough decision of whether or not to have him fixed or not. I say "tough decision", because Ernie is a male. All of our other animals are, by sheer coincidence, female. I know this shouldn't make a difference, and put to the test it most definitely wouldn't, but when I think about it for any great length of time it sorta does.

Call it the male double standard, but there's something appealing by seeing a masculine mutt with a thick piece of sausage and a robust sack dangling between his legs. Who am I to take that away? Maybe there's a bit of penis envy there, too. Sure I'd love to walk around with no drawers on, and piss on anything I wanted to.

When we got Red, our 1 year old pit bull mix, spayed, the decision was made quickly and definitively. Not that I would ever let some horny little beagle or coon dog ever stick his pink thing into my sweet little girl, but I certainly wouldn't want a litter of puppies as my responsibility. I suppose it's the same with people. A man can run around fucking anything with a pulse and if the girl gets knocked up he can just duck the responsibility by skipping town.

So I suppose that if I ever get put into the position of having a dog neutered, I would do it proudly. Oh, and you should, too.

Required Reading: Queer Bedfellows by Red Velvet Femme (

Friday, October 23, 2009

The Week of the Wu

To the average observer, it might seem like I have a slight obsession with the Wu Tang Clan. I assure you that it has more to do with the recent release of the highly anticipated Only Built 4 Cuban Linx Part II, than any deep rooted psychological problem. So, in celebration:

  • The Rza Speaks A short interview conducted by Stephen Colbert with the Rza about his new book, The Tao of Wu.

And, yeah, if you don't already have the album, get it.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

101 Reasons Why "Lord of the Rings" Sucks

#36: It's Not Endorsed by the Wu.

Not everything in this world has to be associated with the seminal rap group Wu Tang Clan, but when you're dealing with a film of such cultural magnitude, certain rules apply. Wu Tang have used audio samples from many different films in their music. In fact, it's almost a trademark of the Wu Tang sound. If Scarface was significant enough to garner audio samplage, then why wasn't Lord of the Rings?

The film is definitely not lacking in the epic fight scene category which fuels so much of the Wu's testosterone driven sound. The film also contains numerous wisdom filled monologues delivered by venerable old men, which Rza and the Wu are obviously fond of. Even the quirky fantasy aspect, which would send most rap producers running for the hills, is a huge turn-on for the Wu (Shogun Assassin, anyone?). That leaves only one possible reason why they have never tipped their do-rags to Frodo and his merry men: they suck.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

An Open Letter to Isaac Butler

Dear Isaac,

Through a recent post, Vaginas Make Men Hungry , I pushed the buttons of a few folks, and I want to sincerely apologize. In the opening sentence, I made the blanket statement that "women lie through fake teeth, claiming their fake breasts as real". I should have used the word "some", because not all women have fake breasts. I know this. Some men do as well. I know for a fact that Isaac Butler has a vagina.

Mr. Butler said that I lack the "care and sophistication" to even attempt satire. Traveling through this life and never stepping on any one's toes or hurting any one's feelings is a very real and a very tangible goal of mine. I plan to do this by never speaking. I also vow from henceforth to never mock those that Mr. Butler views as victims. These include, but I'm sure are not limited to, women, gays, and blacks.

"I'm getting really f*ing fed up with the idea that as long as you say it in thick enough quotation marks, straight people can say homophobic stuff, white people can say racist stuff, men can say misogynist stuff and on and on and on". -Isaac Butler

Paired with the name of his top secret liberal group, Black People Making White People Better People , I'm drawn to the conclusion that Mr. Butler thinks black people are the only race that can be discriminated against, or that whites are the only ones capable of discriminating against others. Has he never been around a bunch of women bashing men? Or has he never been faced with a group of homosexuals yelling "Hey, sailor!" to both establish themselves as their own group and distance themselves from another. Most of us are just tribal animals at constant war with each other anyways. Or is Mr. Butler just following standard liberal bias by believing that freedom of speech only applies if you're toting the party line?

So, because I mock victims who victimize themselves by being influenced by societal standards (which I also mock), I'm to blame? So when a mother asks her son, "If everyone else jumped off a bridge, would you?", who's to blame- the mother or the bridge? Not following? Here's another scenario: Young black men use the word "nigga" so frequently that it enters the verbal lexicon. Now it is commonplace for young white men to refer to each other as "nigga". Should I blame the young black men for perpetrating the use of the word, or young white men for following suit? I'm just trying to straighten out the "victims" from the "victimizers". You know what a young black man would say if I asked him, right? "Nigga, please".

So, in all sincerity, I would like to apologize, Isaac. I want to apologize to you and to your vagina for the insensitive and misogynistic things I've said.

Your friend,

Michael DeAntonio

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

The Wu Roll Together As One

The way I see it, the Wu-Tang Clan ought to form their own political party. By the way the Democrats and Republicans carry on, it's obvious that American politics is little more than tribal warfare anyways. Who do you have your money on; Al Franken or Ghostface Killah?

Lord knows there's enough of them to pose an actual threat to the political structure of this country. They're like the Kennedy's, but without the mafia connections. Old Dirty Bastard is sort of like the Wu's JFK. Overdosing on coke is a little different than assassination, but not much.

And don't think they could manage fiscal reform? Just look what they did with Wu Wear. Sure every rap artist has their own fashion line nowadays, but the Wu were pioneers. They brought financial diversification to hip hop in an age where getting shot was thought to strengthen your portfolio. Think of what they could do with healthcare in this country. All this talk of bipartisianship is nothing more than political filler. At the end of the day the Republicans turn up their noses at anything the Democrats do and vice versa. Obama may pussyfoot around, but the Wu does not.

Monday, October 19, 2009

The Rza Speaks

Rza, the unofficial leader of the Wu-Tang Clan, has been a central figure in hip-hop since the 1993 release of Enter the Wu Tang (36 Chambers). Here is an interview where Rza talks about his new book, The Tao of Wu. Watch:

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Vagina Makes Men Hungry

I wrote a new post for Bamboo Nation .

Read Vagina Makes Men Hungry

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Purchasing People: The Price of Overexposure

I wasn't sure whether or not I wanted to part with my $16 to purchase the new Lady Gaga cd, but her performance on SNL convinced me. Like an equestrian buying a horse, I wanted to make sure she had sturdy hindquarters. Seeing her in sheer pantyhose and a black thong, I feel confident that she can perform whatever task I need her to do. Like, I don't know, mow the grass? What does a pop singer do, anyway? Sex? Oh, that's because she acts like a whore, right? I get it.

Damn it! I forgot to check her teeth. You're always supposed to check their teeth before you buy them. What? I just purchased the cd, not the woman? Then why was she whoring herself out on national television? To push her product? Really? That works? Oh. Then if sex sells, what the hell was Madonna doing? Nothing damages a brand, even an established brand like Madonna, then a pair of old yams dancing around like jerked chicken. And until George Clooney starts acting 30 years younger than he is, keep the double standard comments where they belong, up your ass. You're not 20, Madonna, try to act distinguished.

If women can't be purchased then I guess I should return my Kate Gosselin from Jon and Kate Plus 8 fame. But any woman that can pop out eight children has to be a pro at churning butter, I'm just sayin'. I'm not implying that Kate Gosselin is blurring the lines between reality and fantasy by exposing every aspect of her life. I just thought it was an audition or a try-before-you-buy kinda thing. Oh, it's more like a voyeur thing? I don't actually get to have her fold my clothes for me and take care of my family? But she does such a jam up job. Still I think Jon Gosselin ought to think twice before he badmouths his ex on national tv. You don't tell a nation of consumers that she's damaged goods until after you've sold her.