Wednesday, November 17, 2010
At work today, I had a lengthy argument over whether a pastry can actually be lit on fire. I believe they can not.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Miss Lovelace: How's that new camera of yours working?
Bekki: Pretty good. Why?
Miss Lovelace: I'm thinking of getting one.
Bekki: I used it just last night to videotape myself.
Miss Lovelace: Cool. Did the picture turn out alright?
Bekki: Yeah, I filmed myself masturbating. LOL
Miss Lovelace: TMI.
Bekki: Do you wanna see it?
Miss Lovelace: No thanks. Maybe Richard does.
Bekki: Do you think Richard is trustworthy?
Miss Lovelace: I don't know. He's your boyfriend.
Bekki: It's a really good video.
Miss Lovelace: Once again, show Richard, not me.
Bekki: Alright, well tell me if you change your mind.
Miss Lovelace: Bye.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Monday, November 1, 2010
What better night than Halloween night for AMC to premiere their new drama The Walking Dead? The show, having more to do with zombies than with parenthood (the leap from sleep-deprivation to corpses becoming reanimated is a small one), is as suspenseful as it is fun. But what kind of judge am I? I love anything related to zombies and I have since I was old enough to shit myself unintentionally. I've practically seen every zombie film out there, save one: Zombie Strippers.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Monday, May 3, 2010
Other things have gone out of focus since Lukas' birth. This blog has been one of those. I'm sure, though, that the three people out there who actually read this will excuse my absence due to these unforeseen circumstances. I wasn't even aware that Bekki was pregnant. I just assumed she had some large tumor.
We've spent these past two weeks entertaining family (who we are forever indebted to) and watching cheesy comedies through Netflix. We watched the Hangover. It was decent. We watched Stepbrothers. It was horrible. Completely horrible. I also picked up a copy of Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. Bekki bought it for me in 2005. It's been five years, but I finally got around to reading it and it's a pretty damn good book. It's also an easy read which is good for me because I'm not too bright. I sure hope Lukas gets his mothers brains. And her looks. If he gets my sense of fashion, I'll be happy. Bekki has a lot of things going for her, but she just can't rock a sweater vest the way I can.
Last night, we stuck a thermometer up Lukas' butt. I felt so bad for the little guy. Unless, of course, he turns out to be a homosexual. In that case, you're welcome, little guy. Unfortunately, he shat all over the thermometer and all over Bekki's hand. Lukas didn't seem to mind. I'm just glad I wasn't the one holding it. He may not have given me the stinkhand last night, but he has given me two things that I just can't seem to get rid of- a purple toe and a smile that won't fade.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Personally, I'm appalled by these pit bull advocates. Animals are basically the last group we have left to discriminate against. It's so easy. They don't complain about making lower wages. They don't care if they're allowed to vote or not. And they don't mind riding in the back of the bus. Assuming, of course, that the bus is heading towards a slaughter house.
So I applaud you, Len Tillem, for encouraging people to commit animal cruelty. Some might label this as nothing more than doggy racism, and they'd be right. And the fervor that we failed to subdue with blacks in the 1950's and 60's and women in the 1920's, must be increased when it comes to animal rights in this decade. Because if we, as Americans, lose the right to impede on the rights of others, what rights will we have left? Well, at least we'll still have Mexicans (Oh! Almost forgot about the homosexuals!).
Len Tillam: Let me ask you a question. I'm not encouraging it. Have you already started thinking about rat poison wrapped in hamburger meat thrown over the fence?
LT: Well you should
Caller: Well I thought of something but I have a cat...
LT: Oh wait til they kill your cat. Pit bulls love to kill cats. Wait and see what and your 3 year old kid will have to go to therapy because he saw his dead cat being chewed up by the pit bull.
Caller: Oh I hope not.
LT: Welcome to pit bull world. And everything I'm saying about pit bulls I mean and I know with all my heart is true and if you own a pit bull you're an idiot.
Click here to read the full article by BADRAP.org.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Breasts aside, the classes also offer a great opportunity to network with other first time parents. There was one couple in particular that really made an impression on me. The girl was somewhat average looking. She wasn't really someone that stuck out in a crowd. The man with her, however, was just the opposite. Apart from the generic Ed Hardy shirt and NY baseball cap turned sideways, this fella had one fashion accessory that did stand out- a tattoo on his face.
I'm not sure what exactly drives a person to get a tattoo on their face. The only people I've seen with tattoos on their faces were either in some sort of gang or they were Mike Tyson. So I'll assume that the prerequisite for getting a tattoo on your face is being crazy. I'll also venture as far to say that the desired outcome is to be forever unemployable.
And for the brief moment that I was wrapped in the warm embrace of stereotyping, I thought to myself that at least I now knew that I'd be a better father than two people in this world- Scott Stapp from Creed and the guy with the tattoo on his face. But as I thought about it more, perhaps he was the most conservative and family oriented man there. Tattoos are, however, a tradition that stretches back hundreds of years. So I suppose my hat's off to you, tattooed face guy, for having the courage to wear a tattoo on your face. Oh, and for the courage to wear an Ed Hardy shirt in public.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
My wife is definitely NOT having her period.*
Lilly and Clementine admiring Red as she plays in the backyard. None of them will ever have their period again.
*This picture is actually from a few weeks back. Since then, Lukas has added an addition or two to his living space.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Now Barney Frank is crying to the media over being called 'faggot' by Republican demonstrators. He knows what he is. He likes being called a faggot. If he didn't, he wouldn't have chosen that lifestyle, and put himself in the company of so many Republican tea baggers. It's like young girls acting shocked when a guy calls them 'slut'. They know they're sluts and they're secretly happy that they're being recognized as such. Why are they sluts? If you only knew what they were doing in Mark Foley's imagination, you wouldn't even ask.
And why buy the cow when you can get your bovine tuberculosis for free? That's what John McCain and Rudy Giuliani did. Both Republicans left their wives for younger, newer, faster versions. These men were faced with the decision that all men are faced with; whether or not to have sexual relations with other men. Unlike Barney Frank, they made the right decision and opted to let out their sexual frustrations with women they kept on the side. And now that the government is giving away free abortions under their new health care bill, I wonder if Frank will turn from his homosexual ways and start milking cows.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Listen on MySpace
Sunday, March 21, 2010
A coworker recently posed the question,"With a new baby on the way, what are you going to do about those dogs of yours?" I was a little perplexed, so I asked him to elaborate. "You can't have those dogs around a baby" he said, "Especially that pit bull. You'll see". I'm assuming he said 'you'll see' because he believes I'm blind and not because he's never owned a pit bull or a baby. Yes, you own babies.
I suppose I hadn't thought about it, though. Bekki and I tolerate the dogs and their vicious behaviour, but why should our child have to? I guess I could take them in the backyard and fill them with buckshot. I could line them up against the fence and do it execution style. As long as I don't place their bodies in the Indian burial ground, I should be alright. I watched Pet Cemetery. I know what happens there.
Or, or, this is just a thought. . . I could do nothing. I'm just throwing that out there. Call me crazy. Bekki grew up on a farm with dogs and chickens and dinosaurs and she turned out alright. There weren't any pit bulls, though. And I did hear once that pit bulls and children don't mix. And I am one to believe whatever someone tells me as long as they sound convincing. That's why I stay away from that Indian burial ground. Dog zombies suck.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
So to balance the massive amounts of mammaries promoted on this website, I present to you the male bulge. What better way to counteract your own sexist tendencies than to objectify yourself. And by ‘objectify myself’, I mean objectifying someone who has a much larger penis than me. And if Real Woman Have Curves, do real men have small penises? I don’t know, just ask Prince Gomolvilas.
And if real women have gestational diabetes, then I suppose I’m married to a dude. Thankfully my wife, Bekki, received a positive result from her glucose tolerance test. Now we can have our cake and eat it, too. She was still referred to a dietitian, but told to ‘take it easy’ until the appointment. Luckily, my wife responds to ‘take it easy’ the same way as I respond to ‘no, Michael, my feet hurt’- ‘thank God it’s just your feet because I really want your vagina’.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
With a wife that's seven months pregnant, I get alot of people asking me if we're going to breast feed. It's a serious question meant for a mature audience. I know this, because every time someone asks me I giggle. First off, I won't be breastfeeding the child. I've tried and I've failed. If my breasts could provide some sort of sustenance, trust me, I would. But even if I could, I wouldn't breastfeed in public. Pooping is natural, but you don't see me doing that in the middle of the food court. Right?
The point is, if you want to breastfeed in public, go to Europe. Or Sierre Leone. Or wherever it is people like Salma Hayek go to feed their children. But in America, we keep our shame and our breasts closely guarded. So will my wife breast feed? That's almost as intrusive as asking if we have sex. Which, of course, we don't. We're modest people.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
The long wait as the wife got blood drawn four different times did allow me to catch up on pop culture. Luckily there was an issue of People Magazine lying around and I was able to read all about television’s latest craze, Jersey Shore. What better way to eradicate racial stereotypes than by casting people who fit them to a t and then giving them their own show. That’s exactly the same strategy that BET has been using for years. You’re welcome, black community.
After reading the article, the wife and I spent the next two hours and fifty five minutes judging the receptionists lack of courtesy and professionalism and wondering how our experience would have been different if Snookie was in charge. Towards the end of the ordeal, I noticed that the light bulb directly over me was burnt out. I said to Bekki that if Snookie worked here, this never would have happened. I don’t know what’s worse; giving Snookie fictional reign over the doctor’s office or taking three hours to notice I was sitting in a darkened corner.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Hopefully fast food won't be Americas only export to the pointed boot. Our mobile home industry is booming. Who needs the upkeep on an Italian villa when you can vacuum a double wide during Judge Judy commercials? Plus, they can always hook it up to a pickup truck and drive to America when they realize that living in a country with strong cultural ties is far more time consuming than living in a country that doesn't care. We're the country that forgets to put a load of clothes in the dryer. Sure they've spoiled, but we can always wash them again.
What can't be washed off is the foul stench of sin. After we teach the Italians how to eat, we should probably teach them how to pray. Sure they're got the Pope, but we've got Pat Robertson. And if those two ever had a superbowl for the soul, my money would be on old Paddlin' Pat. He's got the balls to say the hurtful and dividing statements that the Pope only implies. Plus the ornate robes and antiquated rituals of the Catholic Church fly a little too close to the brightly feathered barbarians that brought our ancestors to America in the first place. Sure we murdered the Indians and pushed them into cramped squalor more than actually converting them to Christianity, but at least we tried. Italy, get ready for cultural extinction. Hey, I wonder if you can infect a blanket with ignorance?
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Luckily, my wife also signed up and took the aforementioned questionnaire. Who was she paired with? Nine chubby nerds and a black guy. I didn't even know she was into black guys. That tells you how much I pay attention. Hell, I didn't even know that I liked Asians. In fact, I was so sure that I didn't like Asians that I left the 'Asian' tab unclicked. I was so positively and undoubtedly sure that Asian women were so far removed from my preference that I would never in a thousand years have romantic feelings for one. Fortunately for me, I took the Chemistry.com questionnaire and now know otherwise. Apparently, I'm quite fond of them.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Friday, February 5, 2010
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
People of Earth:
In the last few days, I've been getting a lot of sympathy calls, and I want to start by making it clear that no one should waste a second feeling sorry for me. For 17 years, I've been getting paid to do what I love most and, in a world with real problems, I've been absurdly lucky. That said, I've been suddenly put in a very public predicament and my bosses are demanding an immediate decision.
Six years ago, I signed a contract with NBC to take over The Tonight Show in June of 2009. Like a lot of us, I grew up watching Johnny Carson every night and the chance to one day sit in that chair has meant everything to me. I worked long and hard to get that opportunity, passed up far more lucrative offers, and since 2004 I have spent literally hundreds of hours thinking of ways to extend the franchise long into the future. It was my mistaken belief that, like my predecessor, I would have the benefit of some time and, just as important, some degree of ratings support from the prime-time schedule. Building a lasting audience at 11:30 is impossible without both.
But sadly, we were never given that chance. After only seven months, with my Tonight Show in its infancy, NBC has decided to react to their terrible difficulties in prime-time by making a change in their long-established late night schedule.
Last Thursday, NBC executives told me they intended to move the Tonight Show to 12:05 to accommodate the Jay Leno Show at 11:35. For 60 years the Tonight Show has aired immediately following the late local news. I sincerely believe that delaying the Tonight Show into the next day to accommodate another comedy program will seriously damage what I consider to be the greatest franchise in the history of broadcasting. The Tonight Show at 12:05 simply isn't the Tonight Show. Also, if I accept this move I will be knocking the Late Night show, which I inherited from David Letterman and passed on to Jimmy Fallon, out of its long-held time slot. That would hurt the other NBC franchise that I love, and it would be unfair to Jimmy.
So it has come to this: I cannot express in words how much I enjoy hosting this program and what an enormous personal disappointment it is for me to consider losing it. My staff and I have worked unbelievably hard and we are very proud of our contribution to the legacy of The Tonight Show. But I cannot participate in what I honestly believe is its destruction. Some people will make the argument that with DVRs and the Internet a time slot doesn't matter. But with the Tonight Show, I believe nothing could matter more.
There has been speculation about my going to another network but, to set the record straight, I currently have no other offer and honestly have no idea what happens next. My hope is that NBC and I can resolve this quickly so that my staff, crew, and I can do a show we can be proud of, for a company that values our work.
Have a great day and, for the record, I am truly sorry about my hair; it's always been that way.
Monday, January 11, 2010
And celebrity gossip columnist Perez Hilton can bad mouth her all he wants, but my heart goes out to Miss Tequila who, sadly, has only a few hundred thousand Twitter followers to comfort her. Sure her completely random and emotionally charged Tweets are skeptical at best, but if he has never lost a friend who was also doubling as a pawn in a strange and strategic career move, then how can he possibly judge her? Perez, don't hate. It's not flattering.
And get ready, Perez, I've heard that these things happen in threes. First it was Brittany Murphy, then Casey Johnson, so what next? Tila's career? Soon to be ex-wife of South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, Jenny Sanford? We all know how vengeful those politicians can be (California congressman Gary Condit, anyone? For the moment, though, Mrs. Sanford is not dead. She is, however, extremely pissed. Fortunately for her, and her publicist, she has bottled her rage in the form of a tell all memoir, Staying True. The memoir is being released in early February months before it's previously scheduled date. Mrs. Sanford, people don't read books anymore. If you really want someone to connect with your words of pain and betrayal, I suggest you channel them into a series of Tweets. Has the death of Casey Johnson taught you nothing?
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Most importantly, guys don't turn down sex. A guy will not get all huffy and slap you for asking for road head. He will punch you in the stomach if you drink the last beer. That's understandable. But you will then respond in kind by punching him in the stomach. One of you will cave and drive to the store for more beer. The problem will then resolve itself as you both drink and laugh about the fight extensively. That sounds preferable to weeks of analyzing every bump and vocal tic used in said argument.
Being gay does have one drawback, though. It's slick, cylindrical and about 8 inches if you're lucky. Apparently, if you're gay you have to enjoy some degree of strange penis interaction. I say strange, because playing solitaire in the shower is probably more heterosexual than actually having intercourse with a woman. Cock fear aside, I'd still rather give Tiger the old tug and pull than babysit his vampire children. Vampires really freak me out.
Monday, January 4, 2010
I think I'll start cruising the local nurseries. That way I'll have 15 years of anticipation and 3 years of sexually depraved fantasies before I can actually start pursuing her. Then, one lucky night I'll find myself removing her pink Care Bear panties only to find a woolly and unkempt bush staring back at me. Upon seeing this pubic hair, I will surely lose all interest. I think I might just skip all that and think about Anita Ekberg.