Short People With Short Tempers

Animal Planet is debuting a new show on January 16th at 10PM. It deals with Shorty, a former actor who owns a Hollywood talent management company and also a pit bull rescue organization. The catch is that Shorty is a midget. Hopefully the pit bulls don't mistake him or his friends for toddlers. We all know how pit bulls feel about toddlers.

Bad Boys and Happy Days

Women love bad boys. Yes, it's a stereotype, but the stereotype just might prove to be true. Whether it's the Fonz punching stereo equipment or Johnny Depp dressed up as a pirate, girls just seem to love a guy with a sense of danger. That's why I drive with an open container. Drinking and driving would be reckless and irresponsible. So I remove the bottle cap and pour a liberal amount of alcohol onto the ground. I then place the container in my car's cup holder and wait for the right moment. It might be a woman at a red light or a cop at a routine traffic stop, but somebody will eventually see my beverage. This way, I get the rush of driving with an open container without the fear of collision and bodily harm.

There are several types of bad boys, I've found, that ladies do not love. One of them being Bad Boy Records, vanity label of Sean "Diddy" Combs and former home to the Notorious B.I.G. I've come to this conclusion because every time I dim the lights down low and put "Me and My Bitch" by Biggie on the stereo, it leads to less than desirable results. I've found that the meat and potatoes of seducing a woman is to actually get her to have sex with you. Mood music is supposed to increase your chances of having your meat and potatoes. It is not supposed to hinder them. Be warned- playing gansta rap while trying to get busy might leave you jerking to the bra section of a Sears catalog and sleeping on the couch.

If you ever watch reruns of Happy Days, just focus on Mrs. Cunningham's eyes. She wants the Fonz. She might love Mr. C, but she wants the Fonz. Why does that matter? Because she's hot. She's also a red head, which makes her double hot. And being a bad boy makes getting a piece of double hot cake as easy as, well, cake.

Christmas with the Family

Despite his best efforts, Ernie did not ruin Christmas after all. In fact, it was pretty enjoyable all around. The wife and I woke up about noon and exchanged presents. That was followed with roughly three hours of listening to the Chanukah Song by Adam Sandler. We're not Jewish, but when I listen to the song I wish I were. Sorta like when I watch the Color Purple, I wish I was black.

We had Christmas dinner with Bekki's parents. Three helpings of prime rib later, I felt as though I might explode. The twice-baked potato didn't help, either. Luckily, we had one more holiday tradition to look forward to- Scrooged, the 1988 comedy classic starring Bill Murray. It's a staple in our home. It's just not Christmas without watching it at least once.

We came to the conclusion that Murray's character would be viewed, from a medical standpoint, as going through a manic episode brought on by stress and fatigue. You know who else went insane? Musician Daniel Johnston. They did a great documentary about him called The Devil and Daniel Johnston. It isn't as funny as Scrooged, but it's worth watching. Overall, we had a great Christmas.

An Open Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

Hey, it's me again. I know we haven't talked for awhile. I've been busy. I meant to call several times, but the moment never seemed right. I know there's a good deal of animosity between us, and I just want to be the bigger man and say, "I'm sorry". Let's put the past behind us and focus on what's important this holiday season. Primarily, what you're bringing me for Christmas this year.

Season 6 of A&E's Dog the Bounty Hunter wouldn't be a bad place to start. And if a $40 DVD set is too pricey, how about a t-shirt with Dog looking mean? Folded arms and sunglasses are a must. Also, I wouldn't mind a pair of Ed Hardy jeans- not because I admire the artistic work he and his mentor Sailor Jerry have created over the years, but because I saw some twelve year old at the mall looking really awesome in a pair. I want to be awesome, too.

All my wife wants for Christmas is for the trash to be taken out and for the floors to remain swept. So if you could send us a maid or something, that'd be really great. Just don't send that one maid that slept with Jude Law and ruined his marriage. I know, I know. Jude is just as much at fault. And I don't care how many times he apologizes, I don't want him cleaning my house, either.

That's about it. Once again, I'm sorry for the rift that's grown between us. And if Mrs. Claus didn't hear it from me, she would've heard it from someone else. Maybe instead of blaming me for your broken marriage you should follow Jude Law's lead and take ownership for what you've done. That or not let the paparazzi ride shotgun Christmas night.

Sincerely,

Mike D.

"Must Be Santa" by Bob Dylan

It seems that anyone that has ever recorded music has also recorded Christmas music. A new name can be added to that merry roster- Bob Dylan. Yes, the spokesman for the Pepsi generation has released a new album entitled, Christmas in the Heart. After watching this video, I'd have to say that the only thing corny or out of place here are the long gray locks coming from under Dylan's Santa hat. Enjoy:

Fools in the Snow

A few days ago, the East Coast got pounded by a winter storm. Our little town rarely sees snow, and when it does, it's nowhere near this heavy or this quick falling. Bekki and I enjoyed it while it lasted. And, for posterity's sake, we recorded a quick romp in the snow. Watch:

Ernest Ruins Christmas

Did you ever watch those Ernest movies growing up? Ernest Saves Christmas was always my favorite. So much, in fact, that we named our first dog Ernest in honor of the film. And, yes, Ernie has saved Christmas on several occasions, but this year was not one of his better performances.

My mother and father trekked the icy roads to visit us this week. My mother was in the room during the ultrasound to play witness to the teary eyes and gasps of joy when the doctor announced that we would be having a bouncing baby boy. Few times in my life have I been happier than at that moment. I can't wait for all of the wonderful father/son bonding experiences. We can hike. We can fish. We can tell girls we love them just so they'll show us their boobs and then we'll never call them again. It will be truly magical.

After the ultrasound, we drove up to Asheville for some heavy duty baby shopping. My mom promised to buy us a crib, but went all out with a 4-in-1 convertible crib, bedding, a mattress and baby clothes. It was more than we were expecting, but we didn't protest too much. The bedding has a jungle theme which can only mean one thing: I have free reign to paint tigers on our walls.

On the drive home, we decided on an evening of pizza and television (none of us were capable of much else). But before I could even turn the lights on as I walked in the front door, I slipped on a huge puddle of brown grossness. Once I flipped the switch, we noticed four more piles of brown grossness. Then as we marched through the house, we were met with three more huge piles of grossness on our brand new couch. Then I found another pile on the old couch, and two more piles on our new area rugs. Just as we started to put the pieces together, Ernie comes walking into the room with a paper Christmas bag wrapped around his neck.

Ernie is fine. After Bekki going into hysterics and calling the emergency vet, Ernie is fine. Apparently, he got into some chocolate my mom had brought me. You see, Terry's Chocolate Orange is a Christmas staple for me. So my mom, being the superb gift-giver that she is, brought us up two. Ernie wasn't aware they were for us and decided to eat both of them and most of the tinfoil that they're wrapped in. The piles of brown grossness weren't poop after all, they were piles of orange flavored chocolate and orange flavored stomach bile. Thank you, Ernie, you saved Christmas.

Let My Possessions Do the Talkin'

The good folks at Ralph Lauren have been very excited over their new commercial for Polo. It's a remake on an old theme of theirs, a beautiful young man enjoys his wealth by yachting, horseback riding and looking like a douche. As distasteful as defining myself by material possessions is, I can't help but think, 'I wonder if the Kennedy's wear Polo?'

So to distance myself from the consumeristic mind games that Ralph Lauren's playing, I've embraced the counter culture the best way I know how; by purchasing a pair of Levi jeans and getting my granpa to recite Walt Whitman. Watch:

It's a Boy!

Today was our scheduled ultrasound and I'm happy to announce that it's a boy!
I never thought I'd have to suffer through another man sucking on my wife's fun bags.

Babies and Dogs Are Kinda the Same Thing

"Kids are like dogs that slowly learn how to talk". I'm pretty sure that quote comes from the film Knocked Up. If anyone knows definitively, please clue me in. Wherever the origin of the particular quote, I feel it rings true. I for one can't wait until the first time I see my little bundle of joy dropping a deuce in the backyard. Or the first time s/he stands over me with a menacing look to establish pack dominance. Ah, precious memories.

Will I feel the same love towards the baby that I do towards the dogs? Don't underestimate my feelings for our four-legged family members. Hell, I even have a leather wallet with a corner chewed up. I can't remember which dog committed the crime, but I smile fondly every time I look at it. Will spit-up on my favorite shirt do the same thing? And when strangers walk up innocently and ask what breed the baby is, how should I respond? There are so many questions that I suppose I'll just have to figure out along the way.

The Rise of Theodore Roosevelt

For anyone who followed my previous blog, Bad Sum Bitch, my struggle to finish a book is legendary. In fact, it took almost an entire year to finish the Rise of Theodore Roosevelt by Edmund Harris. Hopefully it won't take me an entire year to watch the upcoming movie version that's slated for release in 2011. It's being directed by the impeccable Martin Scorsese and stars Leonardo DiCaprio as TR.

Why is it that all of my idols end up tied together somehow? Is it that great minds think alike? If that's the case then the opposite must be true. If you don't believe me just look at the prison population. But I digress. So when you do eventually watch this movie two years from now, remember where you heard of it first.

Let Sleeping Dogs Snore

Here is the pointless cute animal video of the day. In order to get the full effect, turn the volume on your computer up really loud. Watch:

Jim Carroll (1949-2009)

Anyone remember that movie The Basketball Diaries? In the film, Leonardo DiCaprio plays a NYC teenager living a dual existence as a promising basketball player and a troubled heroin addict. Well, that movie was based on an autobiographical book by spoken word artist and musician Jim Carroll.

Sadly, Mr. Carroll died a few months back at the age of 60. The official press release said that he died of a heart attack while sitting at his desk. They said he was writing, but I'm guessing it had something to do with internet porn. I want to know why it took me three months to find out. Why didn't I hear about this on the Joy Behar Show?

Obama's Not Even Close

For anyone who knows anything about me, the identity of my favorite US president should come as no surprise. Theodore Roosevelt lived more in 60 years than other men live in 100. Running for reelection, he was shot in the chest before he was supposed to deliver a campaign speech. Instead of going to the hospital, he started his hour and a half speech with, "Ladies and gentlemen, I don't know whether you fully understand that I have just been shot; but it takes more than that to kill a Bull Moose". Who does that?

1. Theodore Roosevelt

2. John F. Kennedy

3. Bill Clinton

4. Andrew Jackson

5. Abraham Lincoln

Those are my top 5, who are yours?

Outlaw Poetry: The Perfect Holiday Gift

It's hard to believe that it's almost Christmas. I for one have made a last minute mad dash to the stores to finish (start?) my Christmas shopping. I know I can't be the only one, so if any of you Procrastinating Petes out there haven't bought all your gifts yet, I know of a literary masterpiece that deserves to be in any educated person's collection. The work in question is Outlaw Poetry and it's by a very talented and handsome young man who would be more than grateful to spill his heart to you this holiday season. And the first taste is always free, so here you go:

The Devil’s Tide

Salt water splashes up to relieve me from the heat
From this bridge I watch it reaching up to touch my dangling feet
On my chest each bead of sweat reflects the sunlight glistening
And the wind hides ‘neath the bridge like a train that’s whistling

Passed down family stories that reached me as a child
About the islands long ago when they still were young and wild
From its bottle littered shore men would test the devil’s tide
Their bellies filled with stolen beer and mischief in their eyes

In the bamboo forest making love to that same sweet girl I still do
Drinking way too much and puffing on that same cigarette that killed you
We thought to swim the devil’s tide, our manhood to declare
Our bellies slowly filled with fear, no thrill has since compared

On the day we spread your ashes where your soul has always been
On the shoreline I stood thinking you would escape him once again
And that as a child I would long in your shadow to reside
But damn if I hadn’t missed my chance to swim the devil’s tide

On the bridge above Breach Inlet, where the wind sweeps away rogue tears
And thoughts of boyhood chances that have escaped me with the years
No longer am I running for tomorrow or away from thoughts that bother
So here I sit and stare across the sunlit devil’s water

And at $6.99, why not?

Joy Behar Discusses Tiger Woods and His Many Goomahs

The Joy Behar Show is a staple in my house. Which makes it no surprise that I get the majority of my news through Mrs. Behar. Last night, for instance, I learned of the new reality tv show airing on Mtv titled Jersey Shore. The original working title of the show was Guido Beach, but was met with resistance from the National Italian American Foundation for purveying racial stereotypes of Italian Americans. Hopefully Mtv will accept the script I submitted for a reality show titled No Speaka da Inglesh, where a group of Hispanic migrant farmers apply for medicaid.

Race was the dominant theme on the Joy Behar Show last night. The next topic of discussion was Mr. Tiger Woods and his preference in women. The black community is outraged over Tiger's choice in mistresses. No, seriously. Apparently Tiger cheating with 12 white bimbos has more to do with him hating his black side than with the lack of black women in his particular social circle. I wonder if their were more golf courses in New Jersey if Mr. Woods would ever shack up with a 'Guido'? They're a little darker than his normal pick, but I'm sure they're equally as shallow.

Back to the Lab

I just recorded four new songs today, Love is Not Something. . ., Queer Bashing, Good Morning and I'm in Love!. Check them out on my MySpace page and let me know what you think. I need the good, the bad and the ugly. My ego can handle anything (because I'm that cool).

And, oh, Queer Bashing is definitely about Prince Gomolvilas.

Pit Bulls and Pregnant Women

After weeks of seeing advertisements but never actually getting to catch the show itself, I finally saw the new show on Animal Planet, Pit Bulls and Parolees. Basically, a husband and wife team own the largest pit bull rescue group in the country. The twist is that they are both ex-cons and employ parolees to work on their 10 acre rescue. It's like American Chopper, but with dogs instead of motorcycles.

And if ranting about dogs bores you, just wait until this kid pops out. The ultrasound, by the way, is scheduled for December 21st and we're super excited to find out the sex. My mom and dad are actually coming up from Charleston to celebrate with us (and buy baby stuff)! We bought some cute bodysuits and, believe me, I'm eager to show them off. I've been trying to post a video that shows the bodysuits, but to no avail. I tried asking fellow blogger and professional mentor Prince Gomolvilas for help, but he just fed me some hippie bullshit about looking inward.

My wife, Bekki, is feeling better now. She still gets bouts of nausea, but I do believe that the three month long morning sickness is officially over. She's starting to show and she looks radiant. She would strongly, strongly disagree. The baby is due towards the end of May. I'm hoping it will be a Taurus for obvious reasons. Bekki says that it will probably be a Gemini and that wishing for a Taurus is wishing for premature labor.

I'm secretly still pulling for a Taurus.

Why Are Americans So Hung Up About Sex?

I wrote a new post for Bamboo Nation.

Read "Why Are Americans So Hung Up About Sex?"

The Hot Dog Derby

My wife stumbled across this video and I thought it was too cute to not share with the world. Yes, the world reads my blog. I'm that cool.

Stedman Graham: The Loneliest Man Alive

Poor Stedman, quietly masturbating in the bathroom while Oprah and Gayle drink White Russians and give each other mammograms. It would be a tough scene to imagine; having your emotionally distant wife* fall in love with her best friend, but it's a reality that Stedman Graham lives with every day. That and he has to live with Oprah's money.

Now that Oprah has announced the scheduled demise of The Oprah Winfrey Show, will she finally shed the charade and reveal the dyke within? Or does her delusion run so deep that her ego will never let her admit to those hot nights when her and Gayle put their wiffers together and scissored like crazy?

How can a man live without human connection? It's unnatural. I honestly feel bad for Stedman. Well, I suppose he is married. Therefore his situation isn't really that uncommon. But he can't even smile at a pretty waitress without the tabloids catching wind. And by the time the magazines hit the printers, he will have beat himself up over it so much that there will actually be blood. And we all know that Oprah can smell a drop of blood from over a mile away.

*They're "spiritually married". If that isn't gay, I don't know what is.

Is Tiger Woods a Wife Beater?

Tiger Woods is keeping his lips sealed concerning his recent late night car crash. A barrage of questions are being raised. Where was he going at 2:30 in the morning? What caused him to collide with a tree? Would a woman as good looking as Swedish supermodel Elin Nordegren really marry Tiger if it weren't for all his money? We may never know the answers to these questions definitively, and with no official statement from the Woods camp, conspiracy theories are practically all we have to go by.

Talking heads are speculating that Woods had a simple domestic argument and that the crash was a result of poor thinking, and that the only thing hurt was his pride. I like to think that something a bit racier occured. Possibly after a half bottle of Dewar's White Label and/or a few rails of pure Colombian cocaine, Woods had a late night craving for Ben and Jerry's seasonal ice cream flavor, Gingersnap (we've all been there). So he gets behind the wheel of his black Escalade, floors it and hits a tree. That explains everything except his wife bashing the windows in. Even at the Woods residence, I can't imagine that a golf club was just lying around.

Maybe they just had an argument, he got a little 'handsy' and left. Elin, enraged, grabs a gulf club and follows him out to the street. She repeatedly hits his rear window, distracting him so badly that he loses control of the car and crashes into a tree. Either way, his reputation as a wholesome role model and endorser of useless products will never be the same. Nike may operate primarily through sweat shops who ignore child labor laws, but they have their standards.

Bully Breeds: The Umbrella Species

I just read a wonderful article written by Red Velvet Femme over at Pit Bull Patriarchy entitled, Pit Bulls, Umbrella Species, and the Matrix of Oppression. If discrimination gets you riled up, it's well worth the read.

Catholic Church Shuns Baby Killers

When you become a member of the Catholic Church, you don't just give over your Sundays, you give over your soul. Recently, Rep. Patrick Kennedy, son of the late Ted Kennedy, published a letter from Bishop Thomas Tobin of Providence, Rhode Island, asking for Kennedy to not partake in holy communion due to his pro-choice stance. This merge-ment of politics and religion is apparently spreading like wildfire.

The Southern Baptist Convention, the largest Protestant denomination in the world, has recently revoked its endorsement of ex President George W. Bush over an obscure Bible verse. Critics of the SBC are saying that this is too little too late, but proponents of the decision are calling for higher ethical standards applied to other political leaders as well. Bush has publicly stated that he will not go back on his anti-"Thou shall not kill" stance, and has encouraged other politicians to stand up to this merge-ment of law and common sense.

"Asking a politician not to endorse killing is like asking a donkey and a horse not to make babies", Bush said in a press conference last Wednesday, "It's asinine". Other killing aficionados have come to Bush's aide, including Dick Cheney, Rush Limbaugh and Lord Voldemort from the Harry Potter series.

Likewise, the Pentecostal Church has excommunicated ex-President Bill Clinton for his numerous extramarital affairs, and the United Church of Christ has shunned current President Barrack Obama for eating pork. There have been no verified sitings of Obama consuming pork, but it is widely believed that all African American males love pork and/or pork by-products, which is in clear violation of Leviticus 11:7.

When questioned about the snowball effect that his request to Kennedy has had, Bishop Tobin responded with, "I love that episode of the Dave Chappelle Show where he says, 'I know better than to get between a nigger and they pork'. Fucking hilarious. Hey, whatever happened to that guy anyway?"

Happy Black Friday

Is this black enough for you?

Johnny Depp Voted Sexiest Man Alive by People Magazine

Down here in the heart of Dixie, we may not have the best schools. We may not have the most efficient local governments, either. We sure as hell don't have the best oral hygiene, but what we do have is sort of a source of pride around these parts; People Magazine's "sexiest man alive".

Yes, Kentucky native Johnny Depp was just named the sexiest man alive by People Magazine (his second win). It still perplexes me, though, why they give it to anyone except Brad Pitt. I'm just sayin', that's one aesthetically pleasing Okie.

Who would YOU choose as the sexiest man alive?

I Hear There's Good Money in Hurting People's Feelings

On last Friday's episode of the Joy Behar Show, pop icon Robert Pattinson was the subject of public ridicule. Not only was Pattinson viciously mocked, he was done so by Danny Bonaduce. Fans of Pattinson will undoubtedly riot. There will be panic in the streets and mayhem in middle schools everywhere. To add insult to injury, Bonaduce made the slanderous statements while apparently dressed up as a pirate. That or some sort of transgendered gypsy.

Bonaduce, former child star and current hack, compared Pattinson to a blow fish and expressed fear of Pattinson because "he would definitely see me coming". More hurtful than comparing Pattinson to a fish, apparently, was comparing him to actress and celebutante Tori Spelling. I'm not sure about blow fish, but I'm pretty sure Tori Spelling has feelings - and probably cable.

So where does this trail of tasteless taunting lead us? Right to Conan O'Brien's doorstep. The host of The Tonight Show has finally woken Kirstie Alley from her deep slumber. And she's pissed. After numerous jokes about her weight, Alley responded on her Twitter account with, "I'll tell you ONE BITCH I'm gonna knck out next time I see her is CONAN O'BITCH O'BRIAN..that guy acts like I bit his dick off".

Jokes about some one's physical appearance can be found in any heckler's repertoire. So why all of a sudden is there such a surge of angry recipients? Come on, Kirstie Alley, can't you take a joke? It was all fun and games until you got your feelings hurt.

A Bull Market(ing Ploy)

I wrote a new post for Bamboo Nation.

Zombies Use Cell Phones to Eat Your Brains

I'm not what most people would call a technology guy. I don't have 3G wireless coverage. I don't have GPS that tells me when I'm lost, and I certainly don't ignore the company before me to text someone a thousand miles away. Truth be told, I don't even own a cellphone.

I know, how can a guy claiming to be so technology illiterate run such a beautifully laid out blog? Truthfully, Prince Gomolvilas met me a few years ago at a pool hall, killed me in a bathroom stall and stole my identity. He uses my moniker as his pen name and my life as his inspiration. He's a nice enough guy, but don't ever give him pointers at the billiards table.

I went out to eat the other night (celebrating the end of the 1st trimester) and a group of youngsters were sitting at a table together texting. None of them would speak, they just kept texting. They were like zombies! I know I'm suppose to be the zombie (remember, Prince killed me and dumped my body in the Hudson River? Stay with me, people). These folks, however, were like lifeless corpses plugged into the matrix.

The photo at the top just goes to prove that people in third world countries are more technologically adapt than I am. Ssh, don't tell anyone, but I've never texted(sp?) anyone.

"The Man's Machine" by Jamie T

What's there to say that can't be understood coming from Jamie T's lips? This is the latest single from Kings and Queens. Watch:

Castration Ruled as Mandatory Procedure

Alot of different people have been pleading their case for us to circumcise our child. I've been a strong opponent of circumcision, but I'm starting to understand the rationale behind it. If I have a boy and opt for him to be cut, he will have a penis that is easier to clean and, therefore, less likely to suffer from infection. From a purely medical stance, it makes sense, right?

Why stop there? I'm sure there are numerous other body parts just waiting to fowl up. If we removed the testicles from every male child then there would never be another case of testicular cancer. Oh, there are other organs that people get cancer in? Well, remove them, too. And if we end up as nothing more than a head in a formaldehyde jar, at least we won't have to worry about cutting our fingernails.

Another place people often get cancer in are breasts. It's like a cruel joke that God plays that something so wonderful can be so deadly. Oh, I can't catch breast cancer by simply squeezing and/or motor-boating a pair of breasts? Well, then who cares? And that's obviously the position the U.S. Preventive Services Task Force is taking. They just released their recommendation that women should start receiving mammograms starting at age 50, as opposed to their previous recommendation of age 40. They're saying that the insurance companies will continue to cover mammograms before the age of 50, but that they shouldn't be viewed as mandatory. I'm as confident that the insurance companies will cover an unnecessary procedure as I am that there's probably a lobbyist on the PSTF board.

Now all I need is a rubber band and a hacksaw.

Iron Mike Tyson

A person can forget how frighteningly insane Mike Tyson truly is. It helps to view a greatest hits collection to jog your memory. It's six minutes long, but it's definitely worth it. Watch:

No Women, No Gays, No Jews

How gracious of the Pope to extend open arms to the splinter sections of the Episcopal Church. It's wonderful that they can create unity through exclusion. I'm speaking, of course, of the Catholic Church welcoming conservative members of the Anglican faith who are unsatisfyed with how their church sanctions gay unions and ordains gay and female members. Who would've thought the Catholic Church would be common ground for the social elite?

New York Bishop Suffragan Catherine Roskam replied with, "We appreciate the welcome the pope extended to those in the Anglican Communion who are disaffected. We for our part continue to welcome our Roman Catholic brothers and sisters, both lay and ordained, conservative and liberal, who wish to belong to a church that treasures diversity of thought." That's Anglican for "bitch, please".

Read the full article here.

Wu Tang is for the Animals

I ran across a series of PETA ads on Youtube.com the other day. I was somewhat shocked to find this psa from Wu Tang Clan memeber Masta Killa. Along with Inspecta Deck, Masta Killa is probably the most low key of the 9 member Wu Tang Clan, but that doesn't mean he has nothing to say. Watch:

Potty Talk

Can your large intestines really wrap around the world when laid flat? Apparently, I'm not the only one who was told that as a child. I typed it in on the Internet and was met with numerous responses. They all pointed to no, but the fact that the question is being asked by other people is somewhat satisfying. Despite this, my wife's reply to my question was, "Are you serious?"

Well, I still stand by my belief that diarrhea always follows constipation. The back-up of stool at the sphincter causes the stool at the back of the line to linger in the "blender" that is your stomach acid. Therefore, when the stool at the back of the line finally gets to the front of the line, it is in diarrhea form. It makes sense to me. My wife thinks I'm an idiot, though.

So how long are your large intestines when laid flat? 23 feet. That's a tad shy of the circumference of the Earth, but it's still pretty impressive. How long is the typical male's erection? 6 to 7 inches. Hey, I think about these things. Especially when you're sitting on the toilet for a little "me time", it makes sense to think about what's dangling in the toilet.

Men Who Stare at Cartoons; or The Legend of [adult swim]

As a teenager, I cringed at the robust laughter coming from my friends as they watched Cartoon Network's [adult swim]. Now as an adult, it helps to unwind from thoughts of earthly atrocities with a nice dose of the absurd. Throughout the day I find myself singing the theme song from Aqua Teen Hunger Force and quoting Family Guy as if it were holy scripture.

Squidbillies is perhaps my favorite show. There is even a family that lives about a block from my wife and I who we lovingly refer to as the Squidbillies. They aren't aquatic, but they are very "low income" and seem to enjoy many "low income activities". I was watching an episode of the Boondocks a few weeks ago and cranked up the volume when I heard Wu Tang Clan playing in the background. I knew right then that this is the greatest late night programming there has ever been or will ever be. Watch:

Outlaw Poetry

Introduction to Outlaw Poetry

Our lives are defined by moments. These moments shape us into the people we become. They remind us of the people we used to be and the people we could have been. These moments, however, do not hold the reins to our lives. Our lives are defined more by our reactions to these moments than to the moments themselves. How we handle ourselves under great joy and great loss and great hardship is a declaration to the world and to ourselves of our true character. These moments should be cherished.

Our lives are divided into chapters by the transitions we take. Divided by great chasms that form that forever separate our lives into before and after. Whether it’s a new job, a new girlfriend or a new car, these transitions are our attempts at redefining ourselves by reshaping our outside world. Sometimes these transitions are uncontrollable. They come in the form of death, new birth and betrayal. Sometimes they are even too painful to write about.

This collection of poetry was written during one of these transitions and contains many of these moments. These pages are a poetic diary detailing a chapter in my life. They are a personal recreation of events and thoughts. If by some faint coincidence someone else can relate to the words I’ve written then perhaps my experiences will be that much richer. And if another’s eyes never meet these words then may they help me to remember the life I’ve lead.

Babies, Booklets and Breakdancing

Things have busy out here in the boondocks. The old ball and chain is back at work after the expiration of a doctor's restrictions. Our little embryo is doing extremely well. Bekki and her father are both insisting that it's a boy, but we won't be sure on that until about a month from now.

The collection of poetry I've been working on (and off) is finally complete. I've decided to "self publish" it. This is due more to my impatience concerning responses from publishers than any deep rooted fear that my writing isn't good enough to receive acceptance (which it probably isn't). More on that soon.

And I finally put up a MySpace page. You may have noticed (or not) the link at the top right of the page. Yeah, that's my MySpace page. If you're excited about hearing amateur poetry read at breakneck speed over pre-recorded beats, or if you're just curious to hear what my voice sounds like, check it out. Plus, I need as many friend requests as possible to justify the time I wasted in the recording studio.

"Start Wearing Purple" by Gogol Bordello

I stumbled across this record one night while hosting WNCW's ARC Overnight. The album is Gypsy Punks: Underdog World Strike, and the group is called Gogol Bordello. They blend together a unique mixture of dub, punk and traditional Romanian Gypsy music. It wasn't until recently that I was reminded of the group via the film Wristcutters: A Love Story. The groups odd music seemed eerily normal as the soundtrack for the film. I can't recreate the film in one short paragraph, but this video does well to capture the insanity that is Gogol Bordello. Watch:

Netflix and the Richmond High School Gang Rape

Recently, I have played witness to a string of vicious sexual assaults. I witnessed these assaults via my Netflix subscription. First, it was an episode of the award winning HBO series Six Feet Under where a young girl, under the impression that she would be raped, ran into traffic and was killed. Then there was the 1995 drama Leaving Las Vegas starring Nicholas Cage and Elizabeth Shue. Shue's character, a lonely prostitute, is gang raped by college students. Finally, we watched Boys Don't Cry, the true story of Brandon Teena, a transgendered man who was viciously raped and murdered. Hillary Swank won an Oscar for her portrayal of Teena.

And I'll be god damned if art doesn't imitate life. It makes you wonder if people are inherently evil. How could two dozen people all find this morally reconcilable? None of them objected. None of them called the police. None of them tried to help in any way. A small part of me hopes that the child growing in my wife's stomach is not a little girl. I couldn't imagine a lifetime of worrying and a lifetime of protecting someone from these wolves that roam our streets and, apparently, our public schools. Watch:

A Tiger and a Bear Throw Down

The first time our pit bull and the new kitten wrestled, I felt the same apprehension as watching this video. I can't comment on the tiger and the bear, but Red and Lilly are now BFFs. Who woulda thunk it? Watch:

"Re-Animator": What Does Tom Cruise Really Believe?

Scientology is a religion founded by a popular American science fiction writer. They believe that an alien named Xenu came to Earth and placed hundreds of bodies around volcanoes. He then put hydrogen bombs in the volcanoes and when they exploded, thetans (souls) flew out of the volcanoes and stuck to the bodies. This is Scientology's creation theory. They believe a bunch of crazy stuff, but, then again, which religion doesn't.

Last night, I watched Re-Animator for the first time. It's based on a short story by H.P. Lovecraft. I know that Lovecraft was a science fiction writer and that Scientology was developed by a science fiction writer. Therefore, Tom Cruise prays to H.P. Lovecraft. And that's fine. A man can pray to whomever he wants. Hell, George Carlin prayed to Joe Pesci.

I hope for the sake of Scientologists, though, that what transpired in the film Re-Animator was foreshadowing for what could happen if man continues to meddle in dark sciences, and not a how-to guide for wacky young doctors who pop erections over Frankenstein. If not, Tom Cruise is a sick, sick bastard.

Top 5 Scary Movies

• 1. The Shining The 1980 film directed by Stanley Kubrick was an adaptation of the Stephen King novel of the same name. It stars Jack Nicholson.


• 2. The Night of the Living Dead Although I was first exposed to the 1990 remake, the original from 1968 was directed by George A. Romero and set the archetype for moden zombie films.


• 3. Halloween No critique of the horror genre is complete without mentioning John Carpenter's 1978 masterpiece. This film ushered in a slew of slasher films, including the Friday the 13th franchise as well as numerous sequels and remakes.


• 4. Interview with the Vampire Perhaps my favorite vampire movie, this 1994 film is based on the 1976 novel of the same name by Anne Rice. It stars Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise and a young Kristen Dunst.


• 5. 28 Days Later Set in post-apocolyptic England, this zombie film stars Cillian Murphy and Naomie Harris. For its depiction of a desolate London void of any life or civilization, it is required viewing.

Also, I just saw Zombieland and was floored. It was entertaining, funny and scary. I strongly recommmend it to anyone who enjoys campy horror films such as the Evil Dead series.

These are my top 5, what are yours?

Who's the Animal?

With all the media hype, it's easy for most people to categorize pit bull type dogs and guard dogs as monsters, but the reality is that they are just dogs. It's amazing that so many of them can remain so loving and trusting after what humans have put them through. So why do we punish dogs for doing what they're taught to and ignore the hands that force them into these conditions?

Michael Vick wasn't imprisoned simply for dog fighting. He was imprisoned for shooting, electrocuting, drowning and beating numerous dogs to death who refused to fight. The remains of these dogs were found lying around his property. The NFL has reinstated Vick and, for purely monetary reasons, the SPCA has endorsed him as a reformed spokesman.

These dogs aren't monsters and didn't ask to live these typs of lives. Watch:

A Few Shuckable Oysters

With the almost unstoppable craze surrounding the circus known as Jon and Kate Plus 8, one could almost forget about an equally terrifying family de force, the Duggars from 18 Kids and Counting. Where Jon and Kate's crumbling marriage was sabotaged by bio genetically engineered sextuplets, the Duggars left the fate of their brood in the broad hands of God. Guess which family is not going through a nasty public divorce.

I'm not saying that God favors the Duggars over the Gosselins, but, then again, I'm not saying He doesn't. The Duggars are celebrating 25 years of marriage. The Gosselins made it through, what, ten years? I suppose time is relative, though. Remember, one season of TLC programming is like a thousand years for the Lord (Peter 3:8).

Sure, the Duggars are Children of the Corn-styled religious zealots hellbent on repopulating the Earth with people named Jedidiah, Jackson and Jinger (yes, it's Ginger, but with a J), but their is something magical about their devotion to each other. That and Michelle Duggar is sort of a babe. At 43 years of age, Michelle Duggar is an all natural beauty. Kate Gosselin is nice looking, but you sort of expect that from someone who has had as much plastic surgery as her. If I had a $4,000 boob job, I'd probably give myself an erection. I'm just sayin'.

On another topic, has anyone heard about the FDA banning the sale of raw oysters from the Gulf of Mexico? You can still eat the oysters, but they have to be treated with gamma radiation first. And for someone like Jim Bob Duggar, that's like having sex with a condom. Sure, it's still good, but it's just not the same.

"Who Says" by John Mayer

I have long been opposed to "whispering assholes" like Jack Johnson and James Blunt. Their mellow and melodic songs are enough to put a colicky baby to sleep. I'm a virile young man with way too much energy to spend three and half minutes sitting quietly as some jerk whispers about a girl. The new John Mayer single, however, did catch me by surprise. Watch:

The New Addition

In the song "Ballad of a Thin Man" by Bob Dylan he sings, "You've been through all of F. Scott Fitzgerald's books/ You're very well read/ It's well known". Like Dylan, I've always felt a mild cynicism for well-read intellectual types. I suppose that's why I married a bookworm. Keep your enemies close, right?

We hired a carpenter to build a massive bookshelf to house all of my wife's literary victims. It's eleven feet long by seven feet tall and practically covers the whole wall. I've never been much into the written word, but a home library says something about a man. Hopefully it says something to exaggerate my phallus.

Aside from my wife's pretentious obsession with books, there's another area she excels in - baby making. I like to think that I had something to do with it, but I was there the night of conception, so trust me, I didn't do much. All of our efforts for the past three years have been aimed at this outcome and, now that it's finally here, we couldn't be happier. I just hope our dog-childs don't get jealous.

Just Like a Neutered Dog

Bob Barker, former host of the Price is Right, would end each episode by reminding us all to have our pets spayed and neutered. I agree with Mr. Barker. If more people would get their animals fixed then the number of unwanted, and subsequently euthanized, animals in our nations shelters would drastically decrease.

Ernie, our 8 year old Rat Terrier, came to us snipped, clipped and ready to go. We never had to make the tough decision of whether or not to have him fixed or not. I say "tough decision", because Ernie is a male. All of our other animals are, by sheer coincidence, female. I know this shouldn't make a difference, and put to the test it most definitely wouldn't, but when I think about it for any great length of time it sorta does.

Call it the male double standard, but there's something appealing by seeing a masculine mutt with a thick piece of sausage and a robust sack dangling between his legs. Who am I to take that away? Maybe there's a bit of penis envy there, too. Sure I'd love to walk around with no drawers on, and piss on anything I wanted to.

When we got Red, our 1 year old pit bull mix, spayed, the decision was made quickly and definitively. Not that I would ever let some horny little beagle or coon dog ever stick his pink thing into my sweet little girl, but I certainly wouldn't want a litter of puppies as my responsibility. I suppose it's the same with people. A man can run around fucking anything with a pulse and if the girl gets knocked up he can just duck the responsibility by skipping town.


So I suppose that if I ever get put into the position of having a dog neutered, I would do it proudly. Oh, and you should, too.

Required Reading: Queer Bedfellows by Red Velvet Femme (PitBullPatriarchy.blogspot.com)

The Week of the Wu

To the average observer, it might seem like I have a slight obsession with the Wu Tang Clan. I assure you that it has more to do with the recent release of the highly anticipated Only Built 4 Cuban Linx Part II, than any deep rooted psychological problem. So, in celebration:

• The Rza Speaks A short interview conducted by Stephen Colbert with the Rza about his new book, The Tao of Wu.

• The Wu Roll Together As One Is unity through division still unity?

• "House of Flying Daggers" An animated video complete with ninjas, crooked cops and prostitutes.

• 101 Reasons Why "Lord of the Rings" Sucks: #36 Lord of the Rings is not endorsed by the Wu.
  

And, yeah, if you don't already have the album, get it.

101 Reasons Why "Lord of the Rings" Sucks

#36: It's Not Endorsed by the Wu.

Not everything in this world has to be associated with the seminal rap group Wu Tang Clan, but when you're dealing with a film of such cultural magnitude, certain rules apply. Wu Tang have used audio samples from many different films in their music. In fact, it's almost a trademark of the Wu Tang sound. If Scarface was significant enough to garner audio samplage, then why wasn't Lord of the Rings?

The film is definitely not lacking in the epic fight scene category which fuels so much of the Wu's testosterone driven sound. The film also contains numerous wisdom filled monologues delivered by venerable old men, which Rza and the Wu are obviously fond of. Even the quirky fantasy aspect, which would send most rap producers running for the hills, is a huge turn-on for the Wu (Shogun Assassin, anyone?). That leaves only one possible reason why they have never tipped their do-rags to Frodo and his merry men: they suck.

An Open Letter to Isaac Butler

Dear Isaac,

Through a recent post, Vaginas Make Men Hungry , I pushed the buttons of a few folks, and I want to sincerely apologize. In the opening sentence, I made the blanket statement that "women lie through fake teeth, claiming their fake breasts as real". I should have used the word "some", because not all women have fake breasts. I know this. Some men do as well. I know for a fact that Isaac Butler has a vagina.

Mr. Butler said that I lack the "care and sophistication" to even attempt satire. Traveling through this life and never stepping on any one's toes or hurting any one's feelings is a very real and a very tangible goal of mine. I plan to do this by never speaking. I also vow from henceforth to never mock those that Mr. Butler views as victims. These include, but I'm sure are not limited to, women, gays, and blacks.

"I'm getting really f*ing fed up with the idea that as long as you say it in thick enough quotation marks, straight people can say homophobic stuff, white people can say racist stuff, men can say misogynist stuff and on and on and on". -Isaac Butler

Paired with the name of his top secret liberal group, Black People Making White People Better People , I'm drawn to the conclusion that Mr. Butler thinks black people are the only race that can be discriminated against, or that whites are the only ones capable of discriminating against others. Has he never been around a bunch of women bashing men? Or has he never been faced with a group of homosexuals yelling "Hey, sailor!" to both establish themselves as their own group and distance themselves from another. Most of us are just tribal animals at constant war with each other anyways. Or is Mr. Butler just following standard liberal bias by believing that freedom of speech only applies if you're toting the party line?

So, because I mock victims who victimize themselves by being influenced by societal standards (which I also mock), I'm to blame? So when a mother asks her son, "If everyone else jumped off a bridge, would you?", who's to blame- the mother or the bridge? Not following? Here's another scenario: Young black men use the word "nigga" so frequently that it enters the verbal lexicon. Now it is commonplace for young white men to refer to each other as "nigga". Should I blame the young black men for perpetrating the use of the word, or young white men for following suit? I'm just trying to straighten out the "victims" from the "victimizers". You know what a young black man would say if I asked him, right? "Nigga, please".

So, in all sincerity, I would like to apologize, Isaac. I want to apologize to you and to your vagina for the insensitive and misogynistic things I've said.

Your friend,

Michael DeAntonio

The Wu Roll Together As One

The way I see it, the Wu-Tang Clan ought to form their own political party. By the way the Democrats and Republicans carry on, it's obvious that American politics is little more than tribal warfare anyways. Who do you have your money on; Al Franken or Ghostface Killah?

Lord knows there's enough of them to pose an actual threat to the political structure of this country. They're like the Kennedy's, but without the mafia connections. Old Dirty Bastard is sort of like the Wu's JFK. Overdosing on coke is a little different than assassination, but not much.

And don't think they could manage fiscal reform? Just look what they did with Wu Wear. Sure every rap artist has their own fashion line nowadays, but the Wu were pioneers. They brought financial diversification to hip hop in an age where getting shot was thought to strengthen your portfolio. Think of what they could do with healthcare in this country. All this talk of bipartisianship is nothing more than political filler. At the end of the day the Republicans turn up their noses at anything the Democrats do and vice versa. Obama may pussyfoot around, but the Wu does not.

The Rza Speaks

Rza, the unofficial leader of the Wu-Tang Clan, has been a central figure in hip-hop since the 1993 release of Enter the Wu Tang (36 Chambers). Here is an interview where Rza talks about his new book, The Tao of Wu. Watch:

Vagina Makes Men Hungry

I wrote a new post for Bamboo Nation .


Read Vagina Makes Men Hungry

Purchasing People: The Price of Overexposure

I wasn't sure whether or not I wanted to part with my $16 to purchase the new Lady Gaga cd, but her performance on SNL convinced me. Like an equestrian buying a horse, I wanted to make sure she had sturdy hindquarters. Seeing her in sheer pantyhose and a black thong, I feel confident that she can perform whatever task I need her to do. Like, I don't know, mow the grass? What does a pop singer do, anyway? Sex? Oh, that's because she acts like a whore, right? I get it.

Damn it! I forgot to check her teeth. You're always supposed to check their teeth before you buy them. What? I just purchased the cd, not the woman? Then why was she whoring herself out on national television? To push her product? Really? That works? Oh. Then if sex sells, what the hell was Madonna doing? Nothing damages a brand, even an established brand like Madonna, then a pair of old yams dancing around like jerked chicken. And until George Clooney starts acting 30 years younger than he is, keep the double standard comments where they belong, up your ass. You're not 20, Madonna, try to act distinguished.

If women can't be purchased then I guess I should return my Kate Gosselin from Jon and Kate Plus 8 fame. But any woman that can pop out eight children has to be a pro at churning butter, I'm just sayin'. I'm not implying that Kate Gosselin is blurring the lines between reality and fantasy by exposing every aspect of her life. I just thought it was an audition or a try-before-you-buy kinda thing. Oh, it's more like a voyeur thing? I don't actually get to have her fold my clothes for me and take care of my family? But she does such a jam up job. Still I think Jon Gosselin ought to think twice before he badmouths his ex on national tv. You don't tell a nation of consumers that she's damaged goods until after you've sold her.

101 Reasons Why "Lord of the Rings" Sucks

I wrote a new post for Bamboo Nation .

Read "101 Reasons Why Lord of the Rings Sucks: #38"

Megan Fox Brings Sexual Tension to the UN

There has been much outrage surrounding the recent UN meeting in New York City and one participant in particular, Muammar al-Gaddafi. Sure he's viewed by many as a chief sponsor of terrorist related activities over the past four decades. Sure he delivered an impassioned hour and half long speech before the United Nations where he bashed the UN Security Council and the United States. Sure he supports giving the Taliban a permanent residency similar to the Vatican. At least he didn't partake in a decade long sexual relationship with his daughter like that John Phillips bastard. And I thought the worst thing the Mamas and Papas did was "California Dreamin".

Gaddafi didn't come to America, though, to play second fiddle to Mackenzie Phillips on the Oprah Winfrey show. Contrary to popular belief, he didn't come to America for the gathering of the United Nations, either. No, he came to New York for the opening weekend of the new Diablo Cody penned film "Jennifer's Body". Starring Megan Fox, this film from 20th Century Fox tells the tale of a teenage girl who becomes a vampire and starts slaughtering teenage boys. Obviously Gaddafi is a fan of teenage slasher films. That or he saw Megan Fox on the movie poster and assumed it was "Transformers III".

Columbia Pictures is fighting back with their own horror/comedy, Zombieland. Starring Woody Harrelson and Jesse Eisenberg as survivors of a zombie plague that has engulfed the world, the film traces the characters on a cross-country trek to an amusement park where they hope to find shelter from the chaos. Fans lined the streets of New York as Gaddafi entered the UN building, wrongly assuming that his speech would be a tad more pro-"Jennifer's Body" and a tad less anti-United States. Subsequently, Gaddafi's Myspace page has been flooded with angry comments.

Critics cite Harrelson's portrayal of Woody Boyd on the Chicago-based sitcom Cheers as the primary reason for Gaddafi's unusually reserved speech. Donald Trump, no doubt, tipped him off to the fact that President Barack Obama and Oprah Winfrey, the two most powerful people in America, have at one point or another referred to the Windy City as home. As fragile as these alliances may seem, though, the real threat today was played out by Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Upon taking the stand, Ahmadinejad removed a black iPod from his coat pocket and placed it to the microphone where for two minutes and forty-two seconds the UN was subjected to "California Dreamin" by the Mamas and the Papas. Oprah could not be reached for comment.

101 Reasons Why "Lord of the Rings" Sucks

Reason #67: Kanye West Isn't In The Film

How can a film be so widely hailed as one of the greatest trilogies ever made when it is clearly lacking the star power that someone like Kanye would bring? I understand that the box office numbers made by these films is impressive, but think of what they could've been with Kanye. Hell, the Bible is only the best selling book of all time because Kanye endorses it. And the new Dan Brown novel? I hear the hero is replaced by a certain puffy-jowled musical genius. And, no, it's not Mick Jagger.

Don't think you can just throw some menial role in his direction, either. This guy goes for lead or he goes home. Just ask Justice and Simian from the MTV Europe Music Awards. They remember what happens when 'Ye doesn't get the recognition he deserves. So, I'm guessing the role of Gandalf. I know Frodo is technically the main character, but could you really picture Mr. West as a midget? No, he's too larger than life for that. And if Kanye would have been at the Bridge of Khazad-dûm, he would've messed that Balrog up. Even if he did fall down that pit with the Balrog monster, it would've been done just to show how awesome he can fall down a hole.

Peter Jackson is a smart guy. He knew the popularity of the film would have been earth shattering if Kanye West portrayed Gandalf, but the truth of the matter is that Peter Jackson hates black people. Did you see any other black characters in the movie? Hmm? Was that Gary Coleman playing Samwise Gamgee? Hmm? The lovable Hobbit sidekick? No, it was Sean Astin. You disappoint me, Peter Jackson. And what's worse, you disappoint Kanye West.

Kanye Finds Divinity Through Embarrassing Others

Faith is a fleeting ideal these days. Perhaps we can learn something, though, from the recent actions of Kanye West at the Video Music Awards. Yes, Taylor Swift won best female video, but can't we just have faith that Kanye knows what's best? If he believes Beyonce should have won then maybe she did. What's real and tangible can always be replaced by something that's not if you have enough faith. And Kanye has enough faith in his own opinion that whatever he believes becomes reality. So, there, Beyonce wins by reasons of divine intervention.

Isn't that where Taylor Swift failed, anyways? Wasting her time with countless hours of practicing, rehearsing, songwriting, ect. Instead of appealing to her fans and her artistic standard, she should have been chirping in Kanye's ear. If you can convince Kanye of something then it becomes reality. And if you don't believe that then you obviously have very little faith. Swift is still a child, though. At 19 she has no concept, no intellectual grasp of the kind of courage that it took Kanye to swipe the microphone from her hand as she recited her acceptance speech. For his actions you may crucify him now, but for his unwavering faith in his own opinions a place in Heaven will be surely reserved for him. That's assuming, of course, that he believes in Heaven, because if he doesn't then it probably doesn't even exist.

Like a Pit Bull on a Preschooler

Earlier this week I attended a refresher course for my company. It was a two day class held outside of Charlotte, NC. One particular lecture stuck out in my mind. The speaker was talking about aggression at the work place in relation to motivation and he used the analogy of a "pit bull on a preschooler". It got the point across, but it also got me thinking about human nature and eugenics.

So I will ignore the years of abuse and neglect that "pit bull type" dogs have received as the root of their aggression. Instead I will focus only on the outcome of our mismanagement of these dogs and applaud cities like Denver, CO and Miami, FL for calling for the extermination of "dangerous breeds". Likewise, did you know that African Americans account for 39% of the prison population* and only 13% of the general population? Ignoring 400 years of abuse and neglect, I wonder if they qualify under Breed Specific Legislation?

On a similar note, while I was driving to Charlotte for the seminar I saw a dog walking down the side of I-40. Naturally I stopped and tried to coax the dog away from traffic. Upon seeing me the dog fled further down the highway. The breed? The dreaded American Pit Bull Terrier. I can only assume that he wasn't running away from me, but towards a preschool.

* Federal Bureau of Prisons

The Lion of the Senate: Ted Kennedy

1932-2009

Don't Take Your Guns to Townhall Meetings

Back in 1958, a young man by the name of Johnny Cash wrote a bunch of songs that a bunch of people enjoyed. One of those songs was called "Don't Take Your Guns to Town". It's about a young man who disregards his mother's advice and brings his pistols into town with him. He's convinced that he can elude trouble, but is in the end gunned down by someone faster and more experienced. The moral? Even though he wasn't looking for trouble, he found it by putting himself in a real stupid situation.

Enter this man: William Kostric. Someone who was foolish enough to bring a loaded handgun to a town hall meeting last week where the President was speaking about health care reform. Too bad he didn't accidentally "reach for it". You know how bored those Secret Service guys must get.

To Be Young and Naked

Just back from a week long exile in Key West, I'm glad to see the world hasn't fallen apart during my absence. Oh, Key West was wonderfully packed with drunks, prostitutes and badly dressed transvestites, but meeting all my new friends down in the Conch Republic reminded me how much I missed an old one back home. As soon as we opened our front door, suitcases still in hand, there he was beaming from the television set - Fox News.

It was great to see a familiar face. I told him all about the Dry Tortugas and the fabulous nightlife on Duval Street. He told me all about the town hall meetings and the death chambers. We had a lot of catching up to do. For instance, did you hear about Twilight star Ashley Greene winning at the Teen Choice Awards? Oh, what I meant to say was - did you hear about Twilight star Ashley Greene and the nude pictures of her floating around the Internet?

Not to be outdone, High School Musical star Vanessa Hudgens has her own scandal. Nude pictures of the teen sensation were recently leaked on the Internet. Disney denied rumors that they would distance Hudgens from the company or the High School Musical franchise. A top Disney executive was quoted as saying, "Kim Kardashian has sex with black men. All Vanessa did was show her beaver. Get over it, America. It's just a beaver".

In other news, Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme was released from prison today. After serving 34 years of her life sentence, Squeaky was released from the Federal Medical Center in Carswell, Texas. A member of the infamous Manson Family, Fromme was finally imprisoned for the attempted assassination of President Gerald Ford. In a press release yesterday, Fromme's attorney said, "Vanessa Hudgens takes pictures of her beaver. All Squeaky did was wave a gun around. Get over it, America".

Come on, Fox News. Where are those death chambers I was promised.

Health Care for My Nizzles

With the thousand page health care bill being forced through Congress by the end of the July session, it's hard to predict the future of Obama's plan. If it fails, many fear that the momentum created (especially by his riveting speech Wednesday) will dissipate. If it succeeds, the bureaucratic backlog will create a vacuum where overworked doctors cannot compete with the amount of new patients. This will leave financially stable patients to die in waiting rooms across the country. The cause of death? A severe drop in their sense of self-worth.

Many in Congress have already admitted that the thousand page bill cannot be read before the President's deadline, but would probably not be read even if given more time. This leads the casual observer to suggest that Congress handle this matter the way they handle other matters. Republicans and Democrats should just pull their dicks out and compare size. Whoever has the largest members has the largest vote. Health care solved.

The Dick-in-your-Hand Solution does possess a few drawbacks, though. Obviously Governor Mark Sanford and John Ensign would be exempt due to personal reasons. A less radical approach would be a shouting contest. Participants merely need to turn on their televisions for a few hours. Whichever party can air the most political commercials for their cause wins. Like many Americans, I refuse to take anything at face value. That's why I sided with the first commercial I saw. That's also why I called my grandmother and urged her to stay indoors after hearing Lil' Wayne sing "I wanna f*ck every girl in the world". Knowing Lil' Wayne's dedication to his work, I just couldn't take any chances.

Down Tila Tequila's Britches

It has been a tiring two weeks since the passing of pop icon Michael Jackson. Celebrations have sprung up all over the world as well as the ongoing controversy surrounding his death. With all the Michael Jackson news flying around, it's hard to decide which stories should be given the most credence. The story that seems to be slowly rising to the top, though, is not of Michael Jackson the famous singer, but Michael Jackson the most influential civil rights leader this country has ever seen.

National figures such as Jesse Jackson and the Rev. Al Sharpton have publicly acknowledged their debt to this trail blazing pioneer. At the official memorial, Sharpton said, "It was Michael Jackson who brought blacks and whites and Asians and Latinos together". I feel embarrassed, because I honestly had no idea. I can only assume that folks from the 1960's were equally unimpressed with Martin Luther King, Jr. It isn't until post-mortem that a person's true greatness can be fully appreciated. I can't wait until more celebrities die. Then I can finally find out what I'll remember them for.

At one point in his address, Sharpton claims the Oprah's and the Obama's of the world only exist by standing on the shoulders of Michael. I applaud you, Rev. Sharpton, for having the courage and clarity to say what I always knew in my heart to be true. I'm not sure if I could have ever voted for a black president had I not heard "Don't Stop Til You Get Enough".

Always the provocateur of unbiased journalism, Bill O'Reilly challenged Sharpton's portrayal of Jackson on the O'Reilly Factor. During the interview, Sharpton said Jackson changed the face of Mtv and Rolling Stone Magazine by breaking down racial barriers. O'Reilly replied by saying that Mtv and Rolling Stone Magazine are "not important". And I suppose Mtv's hit show A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila is "not important" either? Obviously Mr. O'Reilly is unaware that the pulse of America is located somewhere down her pants.

Mark Sanford Pops His Cherry

By now everyone's exhausted by the news of South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford and his torrid love affair. Not to beat a dead horse (or a dying career), but the sympathetic voices have been silent for too long. Yes, he left the country over Father's Day weekend to sleep with an Argentinian woman. Yes, he used tax-payer money to fund the trip and past trips. Yes, he had Joel Sawyer publicly state that he was hiking the Appalachian Trail. And yes, after being caught he described every minute detail on national television. But is it really the fact that Sanford slept with this woman that has the media in such an uproar? Or the way in which he defended himself?

Many Democrats would describe Sanford's actions as "hypocritical" considering his opposition towards Bill Clinton during the Monica Lewinsky sex scandal. In actuality, though, Sanford's actions are not hypocritical. He is merely carrying on the long tradition of politicians to say one thing and then secretly do another. It's only hypocrisy if you believe what you're saying. Besides, what powerful politician hasn't had an extramarital affair? Clinton, Kennedy, Edwards? The problem lies not in the affair, but his admission of emotional connection. If you're on a diet and you sneak a piece of cake- it's ok! Just don't start calling that piece of cake your "soul-mate". Sanford, you have a lot to learn about womanizing.

Michael Jackson, Neda and Iranian Discontentment

With the now almost absent coverage of the Iranian election crisis by the American media, one is left to draw only one conclusion- that Iranians are huge Michael Jachson fans. Although obviously in mourning, there is no doubt they could have had a beautiful courtship if only they had the chance to be introduced. Iran, of course, would have made the first move. Michael would have blushed and possibly giggled.

After two and half weeks of Iranian protests, there seems no end in sight to the protests or the government backlash. On Monday, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad added a new spice to his bullshit casserole. The Fars news agency reported Ahmadinejad as saying the death of Neda Agha-Soltan was "suspicious". Iran's Ambassador to mexico, Mohammad Hassan Ghadiri, added ". . . if the CIA wants to kill some people and attribute that to the government elements, then choosing women is an appropriate choice, because the death of a woman draws more sympathy".

Although the CIA denies any involvement, it's clear that our boys in polyester suits are earning their keep. What better way to drag the spotless reputation of the Republic of Iran through the mud? Then it should only be fitting, folks, that Iran would send it's own team of cracker-jacks over to the States for some Bourne Supremacy styled ass kicking. Their target? - Michael Jackson.

Apparently this was done as an attempt to throw off the Western media to the growing discontentment in Iran. What better way to alter the 24-hour streaming news giants like CNN and MSNBC than to kill an icon of the 1980's? Even Al Jazeera can't mask the awful truth, though. The truth that Iran had Michael Jackson killed to divert the spotlight. That or they caught him in bed with Israel.