Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Hey, it's me again. I know we haven't talked for awhile. I've been busy. I meant to call several times, but the moment never seemed right. I know there's a good deal of animosity between us, and I just want to be the bigger man and say, "I'm sorry". Let's put the past behind us and focus on what's important this holiday season. Primarily, what you're bringing me for Christmas this year.
Season 6 of A&E's Dog the Bounty Hunter wouldn't be a bad place to start. And if a $40 DVD set is too pricey, how about a t-shirt with Dog looking mean? Folded arms and sunglasses are a must. Also, I wouldn't mind a pair of Ed Hardy jeans- not because I admire the artistic work he and his mentor Sailor Jerry have created over the years, but because I saw some twelve year old at the mall looking really awesome in a pair. I want to be awesome, too.
All my wife wants for Christmas is for the trash to be taken out and for the floors to remain swept. So if you could send us a maid or something, that'd be really great. Just don't send that one maid that slept with Jude Law and ruined his marriage. I know, I know. Jude is just as much at fault. And I don't care how many times he apologizes, I don't want him cleaning my house, either.
That's about it. Once again, I'm sorry for the rift that's grown between us. And if Mrs. Claus didn't hear it from me, she would've heard it from someone else. Maybe instead of blaming me for your broken marriage you should follow Jude Law's lead and take ownership for what you've done. That or not let the paparazzi ride shotgun Christmas night.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
So to distance myself from the consumeristic mind games that Ralph Lauren's playing, I've embraced the counter culture the best way I know how; by purchasing a pair of Levi jeans and getting my granpa to recite Walt Whitman. Watch:
Monday, December 21, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Sadly, Mr. Carroll died a few months back at the age of 60. The official press release said that he died of a heart attack while sitting at his desk. They said he was writing, but I'm guessing it had something to do with internet porn. I want to know why it took me three months to find out. Why didn't I hear about this on the Joy Behar Show?
Monday, December 14, 2009
Salt water splashes up to relieve me from the heat
From this bridge I watch it reaching up to touch my dangling feet
On my chest each bead of sweat reflects the sunlight glistening
And the wind hides ‘neath the bridge like a train that’s whistling
Passed down family stories that reached me as a child
About the islands long ago when they still were young and wild
From its bottle littered shore men would test the devil’s tide
Their bellies filled with stolen beer and mischief in their eyes
In the bamboo forest making love to that same sweet girl I still do
Drinking way too much and puffing on that same cigarette that killed you
We thought to swim the devil’s tide, our manhood to declare
Our bellies slowly filled with fear, no thrill has since compared
On the day we spread your ashes where your soul has always been
On the shoreline I stood thinking you would escape him once again
And that as a child I would long in your shadow to reside
But damn if I hadn’t missed my chance to swim the devil’s tide
On the bridge above Breach Inlet, where the wind sweeps away rogue tears
And thoughts of boyhood chances that have escaped me with the years
No longer am I running for tomorrow or away from thoughts that bother
So here I sit and stare across the sunlit devil’s water
And at $6.99, why not?
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
And if ranting about dogs bores you, just wait until this kid pops out. The ultrasound, by the way, is scheduled for December 21st and we're super excited to find out the sex. My mom and dad are actually coming up from Charleston to celebrate with us (and buy baby stuff)! We bought some cute bodysuits and, believe me, I'm eager to show them off. I've been trying to post a video that shows the bodysuits, but to no avail. I tried asking fellow blogger and professional mentor Prince Gomolvilas for help, but he just fed me some hippie bullshit about looking inward.
My wife, Bekki, is feeling better now. She still gets bouts of nausea, but I do believe that the three month long morning sickness is officially over. She's starting to show and she looks radiant. She would strongly, strongly disagree. The baby is due towards the end of May. I'm hoping it will be a Taurus for obvious reasons. Bekki says that it will probably be a Gemini and that wishing for a Taurus is wishing for premature labor.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Monday, November 30, 2009
The Southern Baptist Convention, the largest Protestant denomination in the world, has recently revoked its endorsement of ex President George W. Bush over an obscure Bible verse. Critics of the SBC are saying that this is too little too late, but proponents of the decision are calling for higher ethical standards applied to other political leaders as well. Bush has publicly stated that he will not go back on his anti-"Thou shall not kill" stance, and has encouraged other politicians to stand up to this merge-ment of law and common sense.
"Asking a politician not to endorse killing is like asking a donkey and a horse not to make babies", Bush said in a press conference last Wednesday, "It's asinine". Other killing aficionados have come to Bush's aide, including Dick Cheney, Rush Limbaugh and Lord Voldemort from the Harry Potter series.
Likewise, the Pentecostal Church has excommunicated ex-President Bill Clinton for his numerous extramarital affairs, and the United Church of Christ has shunned current President Barrack Obama for eating pork. There have been no verified sitings of Obama consuming pork, but it is widely believed that all African American males love pork and/or pork by-products, which is in clear violation of Leviticus 11:7.
When questioned about the snowball effect that his request to Kennedy has had, Bishop Tobin responded with, "I love that episode of the Dave Chappelle Show where he says, 'I know better than to get between a nigger and they pork'. Fucking hilarious. Hey, whatever happened to that guy anyway?"
Friday, November 27, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Yes, Kentucky native Johnny Depp was just named the sexiest man alive by People Magazine (his second win). It still perplexes me, though, why they give it to anyone except Brad Pitt. I'm just sayin', that's one aesthetically pleasing Okie.
Who would YOU choose as the sexiest man alive?
Bonaduce, former child star and current hack, compared Pattinson to a blow fish and expressed fear of Pattinson because "he would definitely see me coming". More hurtful than comparing Pattinson to a fish, apparently, was comparing him to actress and celebutante Tori Spelling. I'm not sure about blow fish, but I'm pretty sure Tori Spelling has feelings - and probably cable.
So where does this trail of tasteless taunting lead us? Right to Conan O'Brien's doorstep. The host of The Tonight Show has finally woken Kirstie Alley from her deep slumber. And she's pissed. After numerous jokes about her weight, Alley responded on her Twitter account with, "I'll tell you ONE BITCH I'm gonna knck out next time I see her is CONAN O'BITCH O'BRIAN..that guy acts like I bit his dick off".
Jokes about some one's physical appearance can be found in any heckler's repertoire. So why all of a sudden is there such a surge of angry recipients? Come on, Kirstie Alley, can't you take a joke? It was all fun and games until you got your feelings hurt.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Now all I need is a rubber band and a hacksaw.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
New York Bishop Suffragan Catherine Roskam replied with, "We appreciate the welcome the pope extended to those in the Anglican Communion who are disaffected. We for our part continue to welcome our Roman Catholic brothers and sisters, both lay and ordained, conservative and liberal, who wish to belong to a church that treasures diversity of thought." That's Anglican for "bitch, please".
Read the full article here.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Well, I still stand by my belief that diarrhea always follows constipation. The back-up of stool at the sphincter causes the stool at the back of the line to linger in the "blender" that is your stomach acid. Therefore, when the stool at the back of the line finally gets to the front of the line, it is in diarrhea form. It makes sense to me. My wife thinks I'm an idiot, though.
So how long are your large intestines when laid flat? 23 feet. That's a tad shy of the circumference of the Earth, but it's still pretty impressive. How long is the typical male's erection? 6 to 7 inches. Hey, I think about these things. Especially when you're sitting on the toilet for a little "me time", it makes sense to think about what's dangling in the toilet.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Squidbillies is perhaps my favorite show. There is even a family that lives about a block from my wife and I who we lovingly refer to as the Squidbillies. They aren't aquatic, but they are very "low income" and seem to enjoy many "low income activities". I was watching an episode of the Boondocks a few weeks ago and cranked up the volume when I heard Wu Tang Clan playing in the background. I knew right then that this is the greatest late night programming there has ever been or will ever be. Watch:
Monday, November 9, 2009
Our lives are defined by moments. These moments shape us into the people we become. They remind us of the people we used to be and the people we could have been. These moments, however, do not hold the reins to our lives. Our lives are defined more by our reactions to these moments than to the moments themselves. How we handle ourselves under great joy and great loss and great hardship is a declaration to the world and to ourselves of our true character. These moments should be cherished.
Our lives are divided into chapters by the transitions we take. Divided by great chasms that form that forever separate our lives into before and after. Whether it’s a new job, a new girlfriend or a new car, these transitions are our attempts at redefining ourselves by reshaping our outside world. Sometimes these transitions are uncontrollable. They come in the form of death, new birth and betrayal. Sometimes they are even too painful to write about.
This collection of poetry was written during one of these transitions and contains many of these moments. These pages are a poetic diary detailing a chapter in my life. They are a personal recreation of events and thoughts. If by some faint coincidence someone else can relate to the words I’ve written then perhaps my experiences will be that much richer. And if another’s eyes never meet these words then may they help me to remember the life I’ve lead.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
And I'll be god damned if art doesn't imitate life. It makes you wonder if people are inherently evil. How could two dozen people all find this morally reconcilable? None of them objected. None of them called the police. None of them tried to help in any way. A small part of me hopes that the child growing in my wife's stomach is not a little girl. I couldn't imagine a lifetime of worrying and a lifetime of protecting someone from these wolves that roam our streets and, apparently, our public schools. Watch:
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
Saturday, October 31, 2009
- 1. The Shining The 1980 film directed by Stanley Kubrick was an adaptation of the Stephen King novel of the same name. It stars Jack Nicholson.
- 2. The Night of the Living Dead Although I was first exposed to the 1990 remake, the original from 1968 was directed by George A. Romero and set the archetype for moden zombie films.
- 3. Halloween No critique of the horror genre is complete without mentioning John Carpenter's 1978 masterpiece. This film ushered in a slew of slasher films, including the Friday the 13th franchise as well as numerous sequels and remakes.
- 4. Interview with the Vampire Perhaps my favorite vampire movie, this 1994 film is based on the 1976 novel of the same name by Anne Rice. It stars Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise and a young Kristen Dunst.
- 5. 28 Days Later Set in post-apocolyptic England, this zombie film stars Cillian Murphy and Naomie Harris. For its depiction of a desolate London void of any life or civilization, it is required viewing.
Also, I just saw Zombieland and was floored. It was entertaining, funny and scary. I strongly recommmend it to anyone who enjoys campy horror films such as the Evil Dead series.
These are my top 5, what are yours?
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Michael Vick wasn't imprisoned simply for dog fighting. He was imprisoned for shooting, electrocuting, drowning and beating numerous dogs to death who refused to fight. The remains of these dogs were found lying around his property. The NFL has reinstated Vick and, for purely monetary reasons, the SPCA has endorsed him as a reformed spokesman.
These dogs aren't monsters and didn't ask to live these typs of lives. Watch:
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
I'm not saying that God favors the Duggars over the Gosselins, but, then again, I'm not saying He doesn't. The Duggars are celebrating 25 years of marriage. The Gosselins made it through, what, ten years? I suppose time is relative, though. Remember, one season of TLC programming is like a thousand years for the Lord (Peter 3:8).
Sure, the Duggars are Children of the Corn-styled religious zealots hellbent on repopulating the Earth with people named Jedidiah, Jackson and Jinger (yes, it's Ginger, but with a J), but their is something magical about their devotion to each other. That and Michelle Duggar is sort of a babe. At 43 years of age, Michelle Duggar is an all natural beauty. Kate Gosselin is nice looking, but you sort of expect that from someone who has had as much plastic surgery as her. If I had a $4,000 boob job, I'd probably give myself an erection. I'm just sayin'.
On another topic, has anyone heard about the FDA banning the sale of raw oysters from the Gulf of Mexico? You can still eat the oysters, but they have to be treated with gamma radiation first. And for someone like Jim Bob Duggar, that's like having sex with a condom. Sure, it's still good, but it's just not the same.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Ernie, our 8 year old Rat Terrier, came to us snipped, clipped and ready to go. We never had to make the tough decision of whether or not to have him fixed or not. I say "tough decision", because Ernie is a male. All of our other animals are, by sheer coincidence, female. I know this shouldn't make a difference, and put to the test it most definitely wouldn't, but when I think about it for any great length of time it sorta does.
Call it the male double standard, but there's something appealing by seeing a masculine mutt with a thick piece of sausage and a robust sack dangling between his legs. Who am I to take that away? Maybe there's a bit of penis envy there, too. Sure I'd love to walk around with no drawers on, and piss on anything I wanted to.
When we got Red, our 1 year old pit bull mix, spayed, the decision was made quickly and definitively. Not that I would ever let some horny little beagle or coon dog ever stick his pink thing into my sweet little girl, but I certainly wouldn't want a litter of puppies as my responsibility. I suppose it's the same with people. A man can run around fucking anything with a pulse and if the girl gets knocked up he can just duck the responsibility by skipping town.
So I suppose that if I ever get put into the position of having a dog neutered, I would do it proudly. Oh, and you should, too.
Required Reading: Queer Bedfellows by Red Velvet Femme (PitBullPatriarchy.blogspot.com)
Friday, October 23, 2009
To the average observer, it might seem like I have a slight obsession with the Wu Tang Clan. I assure you that it has more to do with the recent release of the highly anticipated Only Built 4 Cuban Linx Part II, than any deep rooted psychological problem. So, in celebration:
- The Rza Speaks A short interview conducted by Stephen Colbert with the Rza about his new book, The Tao of Wu.
- The Wu Roll Together As One Is unity through division still unity?
- "House of Flying Daggers" An animated video complete with ninjas, crooked cops and prostitutes.
- 101 Reasons Why "Lord of the Rings" Sucks: #36 Lord of the Rings is not endorsed by the Wu.
And, yeah, if you don't already have the album, get it.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Through a recent post, Vaginas Make Men Hungry , I pushed the buttons of a few folks, and I want to sincerely apologize. In the opening sentence, I made the blanket statement that "women lie through fake teeth, claiming their fake breasts as real". I should have used the word "some", because not all women have fake breasts. I know this. Some men do as well. I know for a fact that Isaac Butler has a vagina.
Mr. Butler said that I lack the "care and sophistication" to even attempt satire. Traveling through this life and never stepping on any one's toes or hurting any one's feelings is a very real and a very tangible goal of mine. I plan to do this by never speaking. I also vow from henceforth to never mock those that Mr. Butler views as victims. These include, but I'm sure are not limited to, women, gays, and blacks.
Paired with the name of his top secret liberal group, Black People Making White People Better People , I'm drawn to the conclusion that Mr. Butler thinks black people are the only race that can be discriminated against, or that whites are the only ones capable of discriminating against others. Has he never been around a bunch of women bashing men? Or has he never been faced with a group of homosexuals yelling "Hey, sailor!" to both establish themselves as their own group and distance themselves from another. Most of us are just tribal animals at constant war with each other anyways. Or is Mr. Butler just following standard liberal bias by believing that freedom of speech only applies if you're toting the party line?
So, because I mock victims who victimize themselves by being influenced by societal standards (which I also mock), I'm to blame? So when a mother asks her son, "If everyone else jumped off a bridge, would you?", who's to blame- the mother or the bridge? Not following? Here's another scenario: Young black men use the word "nigga" so frequently that it enters the verbal lexicon. Now it is commonplace for young white men to refer to each other as "nigga". Should I blame the young black men for perpetrating the use of the word, or young white men for following suit? I'm just trying to straighten out the "victims" from the "victimizers". You know what a young black man would say if I asked him, right? "Nigga, please".
So, in all sincerity, I would like to apologize, Isaac. I want to apologize to you and to your vagina for the insensitive and misogynistic things I've said.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Lord knows there's enough of them to pose an actual threat to the political structure of this country. They're like the Kennedy's, but without the mafia connections. Old Dirty Bastard is sort of like the Wu's JFK. Overdosing on coke is a little different than assassination, but not much.
And don't think they could manage fiscal reform? Just look what they did with Wu Wear. Sure every rap artist has their own fashion line nowadays, but the Wu were pioneers. They brought financial diversification to hip hop in an age where getting shot was thought to strengthen your portfolio. Think of what they could do with healthcare in this country. All this talk of bipartisianship is nothing more than political filler. At the end of the day the Republicans turn up their noses at anything the Democrats do and vice versa. Obama may pussyfoot around, but the Wu does not.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
There has been much outrage surrounding the recent UN meeting in New York City and one participant in particular, Muammar al-Gaddafi. Sure he's viewed by many as a chief sponsor of terrorist related activities over the past four decades. Sure he delivered an impassioned hour and half long speech before the United Nations where he bashed the UN Security Council and the United States. Sure he supports giving the Taliban a permanent residency similar to the Vatican. At least he didn't partake in a decade long sexual relationship with his daughter like that John Phillips bastard. And I thought the worst thing the Mamas and Papas did was "California Dreamin".
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
Isn't that where Taylor Swift failed, anyways? Wasting her time with countless hours of practicing, rehearsing, songwriting, ect. Instead of appealing to her fans and her artistic standard, she should have been chirping in Kanye's ear. If you can convince Kanye of something then it becomes reality. And if you don't believe that then you obviously have very little faith. Swift is still a child, though. At 19 she has no concept, no intellectual grasp of the kind of courage that it took Kanye to swipe the microphone from her hand as she recited her acceptance speech. For his actions you may crucify him now, but for his unwavering faith in his own opinions a place in Heaven will be surely reserved for him. That's assuming, of course, that he believes in Heaven, because if he doesn't then it probably doesn't even exist.
Friday, August 28, 2009
So I will ignore the years of abuse and neglect that "pit bull type" dogs have received as the root of their aggression. Instead I will focus only on the outcome of our mismanagement of these dogs and applaud cities like Denver, CO and Miami, FL for calling for the extermination of "dangerous breeds". Likewise, did you know that African Americans account for 39% of the prison population* and only 13% of the general population? Ignoring 400 years of abuse and neglect, I wonder if they qualify under Breed Specific Legislation?
On a similar note, while I was driving to Charlotte for the seminar I saw a dog walking down the side of I-40. Naturally I stopped and tried to coax the dog away from traffic. Upon seeing me the dog fled further down the highway. The breed? The dreaded American Pit Bull Terrier. I can only assume that he wasn't running away from me, but towards a preschool.
* Federal Bureau of Prisons
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Enter this man: William Kostric. Someone who was foolish enough to bring a loaded handgun to a town hall meeting last week where the President was speaking about health care reform. Too bad he didn't accidentally "reach for it". You know how bored those Secret Service guys must get.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Come on, Fox News. Where are those death chambers I was promised.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Many in Congress have already admitted that the thousand page bill cannot be read before the President's deadline, but would probably not be read even if given more time. This leads the casual observer to suggest that Congress handle this matter the way they handle other matters. Republicans and Democrats should just pull their dicks out and compare size. Whoever has the largest members has the largest vote. Health care solved.
The Dick-in-your-Hand Solution does possess a few drawbacks, though. Obviously Governor Mark Sanford and John Ensign would be exempt due to personal reasons. A less radical approach would be a shouting contest. Participants merely need to turn on their televisions for a few hours. Whichever party can air the most political commercials for their cause wins. Like many Americans, I refuse to take anything at face value. That's why I sided with the first commercial I saw. That's also why I called my grandmother and urged her to stay indoors after hearing Lil' Wayne sing "I wanna f*ck every girl in the world". Knowing Lil' Wayne's dedication to his work, I just couldn't take any chances.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
It has been a tiring two weeks since the passing of pop icon Michael Jackson. Celebrations have sprung up all over the world as well as the ongoing controversy surrounding his death. With all the Michael Jackson news flying around, it's hard to decide which stories should be given the most credence. The story that seems to be slowly rising to the top, though, is not of Michael Jackson the famous singer, but Michael Jackson the most influential civil rights leader this country has ever seen.
National figures such as Jesse Jackson and the Rev. Al Sharpton have publicly acknowledged their debt to this trail blazing pioneer. At the official memorial, Sharpton said, "It was Michael Jackson who brought blacks and whites and Asians and Latinos together". I feel embarrassed, because I honestly had no idea. I can only assume that folks from the 1960's were equally unimpressed with Martin Luther King, Jr. It isn't until post-mortem that a person's true greatness can be fully appreciated. I can't wait until more celebrities die. Then I can finally find out what I'll remember them for.
At one point in his address, Sharpton claims the Oprah's and the Obama's of the world only exist by standing on the shoulders of Michael. I applaud you, Rev. Sharpton, for having the courage and clarity to say what I always knew in my heart to be true. I'm not sure if I could have ever voted for a black president had I not heard "Don't Stop Til You Get Enough".
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
After two and half weeks of Iranian protests, there seems no end in sight to the protests or the government backlash. On Monday, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad added a new spice to his bullshit casserole. The Fars news agency reported Ahmadinejad as saying the death of Neda Agha-Soltan was "suspicious". Iran's Ambassador to mexico, Mohammad Hassan Ghadiri, added ". . . if the CIA wants to kill some people and attribute that to the government elements, then choosing women is an appropriate choice, because the death of a woman draws more sympathy".
Although the CIA denies any involvement, it's clear that our boys in polyester suits are earning their keep. What better way to drag the spotless reputation of the Republic of Iran through the mud? Then it should only be fitting, folks, that Iran would send it's own team of cracker-jacks over to the States for some Bourne Supremacy styled ass kicking. Their target? - Michael Jackson.
Apparently this was done as an attempt to throw off the Western media to the growing discontentment in Iran. What better way to alter the 24-hour streaming news giants like CNN and MSNBC than to kill an icon of the 1980's? Even Al Jazeera can't mask the awful truth, though. The truth that Iran had Michael Jackson killed to divert the spotlight. That or they caught him in bed with Israel.