Sunday, October 31, 2010

I Interrupt Someone Trying to Read from the Bible

"I don't believe in evolution, but I had to sit through it in high school. So why can't you keep quiet while I read Scripture?"

I'm sorry, what?

"I believe in the Bible. If things like dinosaurs existed, God would've mentioned them."

You don't believe in dinosaurs? The big things with the teeth and the claws? Really?


So you believe everything the Bible tells you?


So I can assume that you treat your slave with compassion?

"Will you just be quiet, please?"

But if you don't believe in dinosaurs because the Bible fails to mention them, do you also not believe in Tony Bennett?


Tony Bennett. The Bible never mentions Tony Bennett. Not once.

"I think Tony Bennett came after the Bible was written."

I think you're right.

"I am."

Saturday, October 30, 2010


I'm not sure what it is exactly that makes certain individuals want to congregate with other like-minded individuals. Whenever I'm with someone as awesome as I am, I always end up feeling upstaged. The only saving grace is that the other person is probably feeling just as worthless. That's why I moved to the Appalachian Mountains. The people here are just plain awful. But nowhere else can I get the type of satisfaction I do when standing against a backdrop of rural stupidity. This is the primary reason why I will not be attending the Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear being held in Washington this weekend. There's nothing like a few thousand vibrant young liberals to make you feel old and cantankerous.