Friday, August 14, 2009

To Be Young and Naked

Just back from a week long exile in Key West, I'm glad to see the world hasn't fallen apart during my absence. Oh, Key West was wonderfully packed with drunks, prostitutes and badly dressed transvestites, but meeting all my new friends down in the Conch Republic reminded me how much I missed an old one back home. As soon as we opened our front door, suitcases still in hand, there he was beaming from the television set - Fox News.

It was great to see a familiar face. I told him all about the Dry Tortugas and the fabulous nightlife on Duval Street. He told me all about the town hall meetings and the death chambers. We had a lot of catching up to do. For instance, did you hear about Twilight star Ashley Greene winning at the Teen Choice Awards? Oh, what I meant to say was - did you hear about Twilight star Ashley Greene and the nude pictures of her floating around the Internet?

Not to be outdone, High School Musical star Vanessa Hudgens has her own scandal. Nude pictures of the teen sensation were recently leaked on the Internet. Disney denied rumors that they would distance Hudgens from the company or the High School Musical franchise. A top Disney executive was quoted as saying, "Kim Kardashian has sex with black men. All Vanessa did was show her beaver. Get over it, America. It's just a beaver".

In other news, Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme was released from prison today. After serving 34 years of her life sentence, Squeaky was released from the Federal Medical Center in Carswell, Texas. A member of the infamous Manson Family, Fromme was finally imprisoned for the attempted assassination of President Gerald Ford. In a press release yesterday, Fromme's attorney said, "Vanessa Hudgens takes pictures of her beaver. All Squeaky did was wave a gun around. Get over it, America".

Come on, Fox News. Where are those death chambers I was promised.


Prince Gomolvilas said...

Beavers are a big deal.

K said...

What's the lesson here? When pregnant, shout straight into the womb, "You're never getting a camera phone!!!!!"

Oh, and I hope you had a wonderful trip.

Peter Varvel said...

Prince and I are still waiting for you to leak on the . . . I mean, for nude photos of you to leak on the Internet.

Michael DeAntonio said...

Peter, I speak for optometrists everywhere when I say thank god there are no naked pictures of me floating around.

quin browne said...

mike. mike. mike. honest to god, you make me laugh.