Health Care for My Nizzles

With the thousand page health care bill being forced through Congress by the end of the July session, it's hard to predict the future of Obama's plan. If it fails, many fear that the momentum created (especially by his riveting speech Wednesday) will dissipate. If it succeeds, the bureaucratic backlog will create a vacuum where overworked doctors cannot compete with the amount of new patients. This will leave financially stable patients to die in waiting rooms across the country. The cause of death? A severe drop in their sense of self-worth.

Many in Congress have already admitted that the thousand page bill cannot be read before the President's deadline, but would probably not be read even if given more time. This leads the casual observer to suggest that Congress handle this matter the way they handle other matters. Republicans and Democrats should just pull their dicks out and compare size. Whoever has the largest members has the largest vote. Health care solved.

The Dick-in-your-Hand Solution does possess a few drawbacks, though. Obviously Governor Mark Sanford and John Ensign would be exempt due to personal reasons. A less radical approach would be a shouting contest. Participants merely need to turn on their televisions for a few hours. Whichever party can air the most political commercials for their cause wins. Like many Americans, I refuse to take anything at face value. That's why I sided with the first commercial I saw. That's also why I called my grandmother and urged her to stay indoors after hearing Lil' Wayne sing "I wanna f*ck every girl in the world". Knowing Lil' Wayne's dedication to his work, I just couldn't take any chances.