Smoking Blueberries

Last night I dreamt I was in a cigar shop. Like a real cigar shop, I remembered feeling overwhelmed with the amount of choices and my lack of knowledge. I told the shop keeper that I was a novice when it came to cigars and asked for his assistance. He brought me to the back of the shop and opened a small box. He then pulled out a danish with blueberries on top of it. "Smoke this" he said "and your whole house will smell like blueberries". I smiled politely and asked if he had anything else. Then he brings out this danish covered with cherries. He must've seen my confusion, because he proceeds to light the tip and smoke the danish.

At work today, I had a lengthy argument over whether a pastry can actually be lit on fire. I believe they can not.

A Homemade Porno and a Reluctant Audience

A few weeks ago, an unsuspecting teenage girl accidentally texted my wife's cell phone. Unbeknown to this girl, there are folks out there who will play along and pretend to be people that they clearly aren't. Bekki is one of those folk.

Miss Lovelace: How's that new camera of yours working?

Bekki: Pretty good. Why?

Miss Lovelace: I'm thinking of getting one.

Bekki: I used it just last night to videotape myself.

Miss Lovelace: Cool. Did the picture turn out alright?

Bekki: Yeah, I filmed myself masturbating. LOL

Miss Lovelace: TMI.

Bekki: Do you wanna see it?

Miss Lovelace: No thanks. Maybe Richard does.

Bekki: Do you think Richard is trustworthy?

Miss Lovelace: I don't know. He's your boyfriend.

Bekki: It's a really good video.

Miss Lovelace: Once again, show Richard, not me.

Bekki: Alright, well tell me if you change your mind.

Miss Lovelace: Bye.

Bekki: Bye.

Scent of a Zombie: Daylight Savings, Women's Deodorant and the Walking Dead

AMC's new show, the Walking Dead, is highly addictive. Thanks to Ben Franklin and his daylight savings time, I had the energy to stay up long enough to catch the 1:00 AM replay. It was only the second episode and I'm already fiending for next Sunday. The whole week might as well be this gaping void whose sole purpose is to separate me from the next episode of perhaps the greatest show ever made. Seriously.

I keep thinking about the smell. Ever wondered what a zombie smells like? Neither had I before last night. And despite having rotting flesh on the brain all day, all I could smell was the scent of a beautiful woman. Every time I moved I caught this lovely smell. I'd look around and see nothing. I'd look up from my desk and wonder if someone was standing behind me and there would be no one. Finally I remembered that I had put my wife's deodorant on this morning. I think it was Dove.

Joe and Sam's Wedding

A few weeks ago, my best friend got married to a beautiful girl in a beautiful ceremony held at Alhambra Hall. Bekki and I were lucky enough to attend (with Lukas in tow, of course). It was Lukas' first visit to the Holy City. Unfortunately, there wasn't enough time to give him his first glimpse of the ocean. Perhaps next time. The pictures just got uploaded to the World Wide Web and I had to share a few. The complete album can be found here, for anyone who's interested.

And, yes, the groomsmen all wore Chuck Taylors. It's a Charleston thing. You wouldn't understand.

Ricky Martin is a Homosexual and Apparently That's Funny

A few weeks ago, an unsuspecting teenage girl accidentally texted my wife's cell phone. Unbeknown to this girl, there are folks out there who will play along and pretend to be people that they clearly aren't. Bekki is one of those folk.

Miss Lovelace: What's up girlie?

Bekki: I'm watching Oprah and eating chalupas.

Miss Lovelace: Oh, yeah. What's she talking about?

Bekki: Ricky Martin's on, now. He's talking about how he's a fag.

Miss Lovelace: LOL. You're too funny.

Bekki: Yeah, my prejudices are pretty funny.

"Bob" by Drive-By Truckers

The Drive-By Truckers are a band that give humanity and intelligence back to Southern folks. Yeah, we had both, once. Listen:

AMC's The Walking Dead, Zombie Strippers and Jesus Riding a Dinosaur

What better night than Halloween night for AMC to premiere their new drama The Walking Dead? The show, having more to do with zombies than with parenthood (the leap from sleep-deprivation to corpses becoming reanimated is a small one), is as suspenseful as it is fun. But what kind of judge am I? I love anything related to zombies and I have since I was old enough to shit myself unintentionally. I've practically seen every zombie film out there, save one: Zombie Strippers.

Zombie Strippers is a 2008 horror satire starring Robert Englund (Freddy Krueger, anyone?) and Jenna Jameson (hepatitis, anyone?). I haven't seen it due to the sheer fact that I'm scared. Not in the oh-my-god-we-really-have-a-black-president scared, but the perhaps-they'll-be-more-boobs-than-blood-and-my-wife-will-throw-a-hot-bucket-of-popcorn-butter-into-my-lap scared. And anyone who's married knows that there's no one scarier than your spouse.

I recently read an interview with the Rev. Billy Graham. In it, Graham admits that the overwhelming physical evidence supporting the existence of dinosaurs can only be explained by the fact that dinosaurs existed during the days of the Garden of Eden and were present on Noah's Arc during the Great Flood. So I thought to myself, if Billy Graham has the courage to make a complete ass out of himself in front of the whole world in order to justify creationism, then perhaps I, too, can find the courage required to finally place Zombie Strippers on my Netflix queue.

I Interrupt Someone Trying to Read from the Bible

"I don't believe in evolution, but I had to sit through it in high school. So why can't you keep quiet while I read Scripture?"

I'm sorry, what?

"I believe in the Bible. If things like dinosaurs existed, God would've mentioned them."

You don't believe in dinosaurs? The big things with the teeth and the claws? Really?

"No."

So you believe everything the Bible tells you?

"Yes."

So I can assume that you treat your slave with compassion?

"Will you just be quiet, please?"

But if you don't believe in dinosaurs because the Bible fails to mention them, do you also not believe in Tony Bennett?

"What?"

Tony Bennett. The Bible never mentions Tony Bennett. Not once.

"I think Tony Bennett came after the Bible was written."

I think you're right.

"I am."

Community

I'm not sure what it is exactly that makes certain individuals want to congregate with other like-minded individuals. Whenever I'm with someone as awesome as I am, I always end up feeling upstaged. The only saving grace is that the other person is probably feeling just as worthless. That's why I moved to the Appalachian Mountains. The people here are just plain awful. But nowhere else can I get the type of satisfaction I do when standing against a backdrop of rural stupidity. This is the primary reason why I will not be attending the Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear being held in Washington this weekend. There's nothing like a few thousand vibrant young liberals to make you feel old and cantankerous.

"Wake Up" by Tim Armstrong

Off the album A Poet's Life, this is "Wake Up" by Tim Armstrong, lead singer for Rancid and ex-guitarist for Operation Ivy. Enjoy:

The Choking Game for Dogs

By now you've heard of the Choking Game where kids deprive themselves of oxygen to achieve a small rush. Some kids get injured. Some kids die. It's horrible. Well, apparently this type of reckless behaviour isn't reserved strictly for children. I went into Ernie's room (yes, my dog has his own room) and found something very peculiar in his sock drawer. It was a bag of Ol' Roy dog biscuits with about 5 or 6 chocolate truffles throw in.

At first I was appalled that he would bring that inferior dog food into our home, but when I found the truffles, I was speechless. Come to find out it's some sort of Russian roulette for dogs. A couple dogs sit around in a circle and you close your eyes and grab a treat from the bag. Some are dog biscuits. Some are truffles. Some make your coat shiny. Some kill you.

Speaking of drug addicts, Rush Limbaugh said on his radio program that the media is making too big a deal over this whole oil spill fiasco. "The ocean will take care of this on it's own. . . " Limbaugh said. "It's natural. It's as natural as the ocean water is". I agree. What better way to solve a man-made catastrophe than to pass the buck back to mother nature?

And as apathetic as I am to the environment and Rush Limbaugh, I'm equally apathetic to what Ernie does in his free time. Honestly, I think he's a giant tool. Never really cared for the guy. But what I really don't like is being lied to. Ernie had the audacity to say he was holding them for a friend.

One Purple Toe and Two Goofy Smiles

The other day I stubbed my toe while carrying Lukas around the house. I was too concerned with making googlie eyes at my boy that my left foot ran aground on the beaches of my Total Gym 1500. It wasn't my big toe and it wasn't my pinky toe. It was one of those toes in the middle that you don't really need and seldom pay any attention to.

Other things have gone out of focus since Lukas' birth. This blog has been one of those. I'm sure, though, that the three people out there who actually read this will excuse my absence due to these unforeseen circumstances. I wasn't even aware that Bekki was pregnant. I just assumed she had some large tumor.

We've spent these past two weeks entertaining family (who we are forever indebted to) and watching cheesy comedies through Netflix. We watched the Hangover. It was decent. We watched Stepbrothers. It was horrible. Completely horrible. I also picked up a copy of Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. Bekki bought it for me in 2005. It's been five years, but I finally got around to reading it and it's a pretty damn good book. It's also an easy read which is good for me because I'm not too bright. I sure hope Lukas gets his mothers brains. And her looks. If he gets my sense of fashion, I'll be happy. Bekki has a lot of things going for her, but she just can't rock a sweater vest the way I can.

Last night, we stuck a thermometer up Lukas' butt. I felt so bad for the little guy. Unless, of course, he turns out to be a homosexual. In that case, you're welcome, little guy. Unfortunately, he shat all over the thermometer and all over Bekki's hand. Lukas didn't seem to mind. I'm just glad I wasn't the one holding it. He may not have given me the stinkhand last night, but he has given me two things that I just can't seem to get rid of- a purple toe and a smile that won't fade.

"Tru Master" by Pete Rock featuring Inspectah Deck and Kurupt

I can't believe I've never heard this song before. It's off jazz-rap pioneer Pete Rock's debut album, Soul Survivor. Rock made a name for himself as an East Coast producer for artists like Run DMC and Nas. His debut album is full of guest rappers like Big Pun, Nas and a few folks from the Wu Tang camp (Raekwon, Ghostface, Inspectah Deck, Cappadonna and Method Man!), and also contains a few pretty good verses from Rock himself. Watch:

A Hillbilly Update

When Bekki told me her water broke, I honestly didn't believe her. It took the doctor on the labor and delivery floor saying, "Alright, let's get this baby out of you", for me to fully buy in to what was happening. It's not because I think my wife's a liar, which she is, but more about it being a month too early for her to give birth. Let's be truthful, I was desperately craving a month more of crazy pregnancy hormones. It's amazing how I can be a sweet husband and a prick at the same time.

Six and half hours later, our first child was born. Lukas came out with my hair and her eyes and the biggest baby feet that anyone had ever seen. He cooed repeatedly for the entire first day, but by day two had definitely discovered his lungs. Breast feeding was slow in the beginning, which I can't understand because her boobs look awesome. I hope Lukas isn't a homosexual. He does tend to act like a diva when he doesn't get what he wants.

Except for the first doctor who tried to give Bekki Pitocin in order to rush labor, everyone at the hospital was great. It's not his fault, though, I'm sure he desperately wanted to see his son in the dress rehearsal of A Streetcar Named Desire (he played Stella). Labor was six and a half hours, I'm not sure how much faster it could've gone, especially for Bekki's first delivery. The second doctor had splendid bedside manner and the tag team nurse duo was phenomenal. We still need to send them thank you cards.

Bekki's gotten alot more sleep since leaving the hospital. The baby was fine. It was those damn nurses with their incessant blood pressure readings and questions that kept her up all night. Who comes into a darkened room at 2:30 in the morning to ask about hospital paperwork? It all seemed a bit overwhelming, but the end result is that we have a healthy, happy, beautiful baby boy. I couldn't ask for anything more.

Lukas Anthony DeAntonio

Born 4/18/2010 at 1:23 PM
6.1 pounds
18 inches
1 month early, but happy and healthy!

"Shadows in the Night" by Mike the Bull

I should probably put a video with this. Maybe of me eating a bowl of cereal or something. Listen:

Doggy Racism: Radio Personality Advocates Poisoning Pit Bulls

This morning, I was appalled at what I read. According to BADRAP.org, a San Francisco based pit bull advocacy group, a dj for station KGO advised a woman to kill her neighbor's dog by throwing poisoned meat over the fence. Len Tillem, the attorney and radio personality, offered an apology the following day after numerous complaints to the station and threats of FCC intervention.

Personally, I'm appalled by these pit bull advocates. Animals are basically the last group we have left to discriminate against. It's so easy. They don't complain about making lower wages. They don't care if they're allowed to vote or not. And they don't mind riding in the back of the bus. Assuming, of course, that the bus is heading towards a slaughter house.

So I applaud you, Len Tillem, for encouraging people to commit animal cruelty. Some might label this as nothing more than doggy racism, and they'd be right. And the fervor that we failed to subdue with blacks in the 1950's and 60's and women in the 1920's, must be increased when it comes to animal rights in this decade. Because if we, as Americans, lose the right to impede on the rights of others, what rights will we have left? Well, at least we'll still have Mexicans (Oh! Almost forgot about the homosexuals!).


Len Tillam: Let me ask you a question. I'm not encouraging it. Have you already started thinking about rat poison wrapped in hamburger meat thrown over the fence?
Caller: Uhm...No
LT: Well you should
Caller: Well I thought of something but I have a cat...
LT: Oh wait til they kill your cat. Pit bulls love to kill cats. Wait and see what and your 3 year old kid will have to go to therapy because he saw his dead cat being chewed up by the pit bull.
Caller: Oh I hope not.
LT: Welcome to pit bull world. And everything I'm saying about pit bulls I mean and I know with all my heart is true and if you own a pit bull you're an idiot.

Click here to read the full article by BADRAP.org.

The Guy With the Tattoo On His Face

The other day, Bekki and I went to the first of three scheduled classes offered by our local hospital. The first class is about pregnancy. The second class is about childcare. And the third class is about breast feeding. I'm planning on attending the third in the hopes that I get to see some awesome pregnancy boob.

Breasts aside, the classes also offer a great opportunity to network with other first time parents. There was one couple in particular that really made an impression on me. The girl was somewhat average looking. She wasn't really someone that stuck out in a crowd. The man with her, however, was just the opposite. Apart from the generic Ed Hardy shirt and NY baseball cap turned sideways, this fella had one fashion accessory that did stand out- a tattoo on his face.

I'm not sure what exactly drives a person to get a tattoo on their face. The only people I've seen with tattoos on their faces were either in some sort of gang or they were Mike Tyson. So I'll assume that the prerequisite for getting a tattoo on your face is being crazy. I'll also venture as far to say that the desired outcome is to be forever unemployable.

And for the brief moment that I was wrapped in the warm embrace of stereotyping, I thought to myself that at least I now knew that I'd be a better father than two people in this world- Scott Stapp from Creed and the guy with the tattoo on his face. But as I thought about it more, perhaps he was the most conservative and family oriented man there. Tattoos are, however, a tradition that stretches back hundreds of years. So I suppose my hat's off to you, tattooed face guy, for having the courage to wear a tattoo on your face. Oh, and for the courage to wear an Ed Hardy shirt in public.

Nerd Rap

If you haven't given them a once-over already, click on the Nerd Rap icon at the top of the page.

And, oh, happy Easter!

"Something Good This Way Comes" by Jakob Dylan

This is from Jakob Dylan's 2008 debut, Seeing Things. The album was produced by the legendary Rick Rubin and is entirely acoustic. Dylan's sophomore album is slated for release in April. Watch: