Tuesday, January 5, 2010

I Wish I Were Gay

There are so many perks to being homosexual that I can't help but to think that life would be monumentally easier if I were gay. For instance, gays can't get married. Some would view this as a 'restriction on civil rights', but I like to look at it from Tiger Woods' perspective; if you never get married then you can never get divorced. The second you stick your penis in a dozen or so glory holes, she will take half of your money and your children and move back to Sweden where they live in Igloos and eat blood pudding. Seriously, they eat pudding made out of blood. They're like vampires that make really crappy furniture.

Also, guys don't spend hours applying face paint and body contraptions to make themselves look like they did in the fourth grade. A guy will wash his face and hair with the exact same bar of soap that he just washed his ass with. Grooming is a necessity, not a hobby. Guys do not spend excessive amounts of time on unimportant activities. Instead, we spend our entire Sundays watching football and talking about cars we'll never be able to afford.

Most importantly, guys don't turn down sex. A guy will not get all huffy and slap you for asking for road head. He will punch you in the stomach if you drink the last beer. That's understandable. But you will then respond in kind by punching him in the stomach. One of you will cave and drive to the store for more beer. The problem will then resolve itself as you both drink and laugh about the fight extensively. That sounds preferable to weeks of analyzing every bump and vocal tic used in said argument.

Being gay does have one drawback, though. It's slick, cylindrical and about 8 inches if you're lucky. Apparently, if you're gay you have to enjoy some degree of strange penis interaction. I say strange, because playing solitaire in the shower is probably more heterosexual than actually having intercourse with a woman. Cock fear aside, I'd still rather give Tiger the old tug and pull than babysit his vampire children. Vampires really freak me out.


Prince Gomolvilas said...

"Grooming is a necessity, not a hobby."

...Uh...you will NEVER be gay.

Michael DeAntonio said...

Don't think that just because your name is used as a tag for all things LGBT-TCBY and that you actually ARE a homosexual, that you can criticize my broad and inacurate stereotypes of an entire subculture.

And, yeah, you're right.

Cheryl said...

My favorite moment in Up in the Air:

NATALIE: Ugh. I should just date women.

ALEX: Tried it. Trust me, we're no picnic either.

Michael DeAntonio said...

Cheryl- Natalie sounds like a gal I'd like to meet.

Peter Varvel said...

"Drawback?" Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!

John said...

Hmm, I wish you were gay too.

Michael DeAntonio said...

John, you do know that picture isn't me, right?