Monday, January 18, 2010

Vagina Envy (The Vagina Trilogy: Part III)

With this being the third post in the past week and a half relating to the female reproductive organ, one might say that I am a leading authority on the subject. Sadly, I'm no more a spokesman for vagina as Steve-O is a spokesman for universal health care. Sure he's been to the hospital more times than Michele Duggar, but I heard he got his doctorate from a clown college.

No, I'm what you would call an amateur enthusiast. My heart's in the right place, but I lack the knowledge and field work to be a true professional. I honestly don't even know what a vagina looks like in the wild. What are its migration patterns? What is its life span? What is its natural habitat? -Possibly a bottle of Tylenol, because every time I go looking for it my wife gets a headache.

I do know that it's where babies come from, and this fact is constantly held over me by the old ball and chain. "Until well after this child's born, it's 80/20. I'm invested 80%, you're invested 20%" And a small amount of vagina envy has definitly been brought to the surface. Peeing while standing up and having an external sack are dwarfed by the awe inspiring magnitude of child birth. Her breasts will become larger. Her stomach will expand. The bones in her hips will actually move. It's almost like I'm married to Optimus Prime. Sadly, their's only one thing on me that can double in size, and that's my waistline.


Cheryl said...

So does that mean that once the kid is born, she'll cash in her overtime and make you change 80 percent of the diapers? Seems like one could make a case for it....

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Peter Varvel said...

What? I couldn't hear you past the hawt, shirtless guy . . .

Supermom said...

Where have you been? I hope all is okay!!!

Emily said...

If she's going to be breastfeeding, the envy will only continue. Unfortunately, for you, she will be invested 110%. The early days, weeks, months, after a baby is born can be tough on a breastfeeding mom. Hope you're good at shoulder massage. That said, I have all confidence that you will be a wonderful, supportive dad!