Illegal Mexicans Will Benefit the Most from Obamacare

I hear alot of people talking these days, and they're talking about Mexicans. Whether it's about how Mexicans are taking their jobs, or how they don't like to shop at Walmart late night because that's when the Mexicans show up. You can't wave a pistol around in protest without hitting one of them. Although, if you're bringing handguns to protests, you probably aren't too worried about pistol-whipping a Mexican or two.

But it's ok if you injure an illegal Mexican at one of those pistol-wielding protests , because that's where Obamacare comes in. The program is set up to give handouts to people who aren't even citizens of this country. They can walk in to any doctor's office and cut right in front of everyone else to get their free health care. Meanwhile, the mother of two who just got cut in line has breast cancer. Fortunately, she was pretty enough to marry a man with enough money to afford the $1,000 a month premiums for the health insurance that will save her life.

Now, on the other side of town lives this woman's ugly cousin. The only man she could find to marry her was a Mexican who works a landscaping job. He's too busy spending his paychecks on tacos and diapers for their two children to give a damn about health care. Instead of spending $1,000 a month on the health insurance premium, he now has to pay $50,000 to $100,000 on treatment for his wife who also has breast cancer. The fact that her husband can't afford this and will have to watch her die just proves that her cousins husband loves his wife more .

Unfortunately, Obamacare has leveled the playing field and neither cousin will die. Now you've got Darwinian Republicans pumping their fists into the air and calling Democrats the atheists that they are. Surely Nancy Pelosi understands that breast cancer is just God's way of controlling the population.

Gays Seek Abortion Rights Under Obama's Healthcare Plan

Shame on Congress for bowing to the whims of a tyrannical madman like Barack Obama. I'm speaking, of course, of the recent victory for health care reform. How dare those lofty leftwing liberals in their ivory towers try to hold huge multinational conglomerates to ethical standards. The American people are smart enough to know when they're being ripped off, right? Just like I don't need the FDA forcing dairy farmers to keep their milk free of bovine tuberculosis. I've been around enough cows to know what clean milk tastes like.

Now Barney Frank is crying to the media over being called 'faggot' by Republican demonstrators. He knows what he is. He likes being called a faggot. If he didn't, he wouldn't have chosen that lifestyle, and put himself in the company of so many Republican tea baggers. It's like young girls acting shocked when a guy calls them 'slut'. They know they're sluts and they're secretly happy that they're being recognized as such. Why are they sluts? If you only knew what they were doing in Mark Foley's imagination, you wouldn't even ask.

And why buy the cow when you can get your bovine tuberculosis for free? That's what John McCain and Rudy Giuliani did. Both Republicans left their wives for younger, newer, faster versions. These men were faced with the decision that all men are faced with; whether or not to have sexual relations with other men. Unlike Barney Frank, they made the right decision and opted to let out their sexual frustrations with women they kept on the side. And now that the government is giving away free abortions under their new health care bill, I wonder if Frank will turn from his homosexual ways and start milking cows.

Camila Alves and the Folks of "Shear Genius"

I'll blame it on the hormones, but for some reason my wife insists on watching the new season of Bravo's Shear Genius almost religiously. Sure all the flashy clothes and brash characters provide a good 30 minutes of sensory stimulation, but after the flash is gone, what substance is their? It's like a crib mobile for adults. It's nice to watch for a while, but eventually I start to get cranky.

I will admit, however, that I'm in love with host Camila Alves. How brave of her to refuse speech therapy, especially when it comes to the two words she uses the most, 'stywists' and 'congwaduwations'. And forget all this talk about President Obama and if the health care bill gets passed. The only thing I want to pass is time. That way I can start watching season 4 before I start to lose interest in season 3. Which, of course, happened about three episodes ago when I realized that Janine is unstoppable.

Hopefully, though, Ms. Alves will get picked up to host the next season. If not, the only entertaining factor left on the show will be the two pieces of Laffy Taffy around Kim Vo's mouth. I think he calls them his lips.

Castration Ruled as Mandatory Procedure

Alot of different people have been pleading their case for us to circumcise our child. I've been a strong opponent of circumcision, but I'm starting to understand the rationale behind it. If I have a boy and opt for him to be cut, he will have a penis that is easier to clean and, therefore, less likely to suffer from infection. From a purely medical stance, it makes sense, right?

Why stop there? I'm sure there are numerous other body parts just waiting to fowl up. If we removed the testicles from every male child then there would never be another case of testicular cancer. Oh, there are other organs that people get cancer in? Well, remove them, too. And if we end up as nothing more than a head in a formaldehyde jar, at least we won't have to worry about cutting our fingernails.

Another place people often get cancer in are breasts. It's like a cruel joke that God plays that something so wonderful can be so deadly. Oh, I can't catch breast cancer by simply squeezing and/or motor-boating a pair of breasts? Well, then who cares? And that's obviously the position the U.S. Preventive Services Task Force is taking. They just released their recommendation that women should start receiving mammograms starting at age 50, as opposed to their previous recommendation of age 40. They're saying that the insurance companies will continue to cover mammograms before the age of 50, but that they shouldn't be viewed as mandatory. I'm as confident that the insurance companies will cover an unnecessary procedure as I am that there's probably a lobbyist on the PSTF board.

Now all I need is a rubber band and a hacksaw.

Don't Take Your Guns to Townhall Meetings

Back in 1958, a young man by the name of Johnny Cash wrote a bunch of songs that a bunch of people enjoyed. One of those songs was called "Don't Take Your Guns to Town". It's about a young man who disregards his mother's advice and brings his pistols into town with him. He's convinced that he can elude trouble, but is in the end gunned down by someone faster and more experienced. The moral? Even though he wasn't looking for trouble, he found it by putting himself in a real stupid situation.

Enter this man: William Kostric. Someone who was foolish enough to bring a loaded handgun to a town hall meeting last week where the President was speaking about health care reform. Too bad he didn't accidentally "reach for it". You know how bored those Secret Service guys must get.

Health Care for My Nizzles

With the thousand page health care bill being forced through Congress by the end of the July session, it's hard to predict the future of Obama's plan. If it fails, many fear that the momentum created (especially by his riveting speech Wednesday) will dissipate. If it succeeds, the bureaucratic backlog will create a vacuum where overworked doctors cannot compete with the amount of new patients. This will leave financially stable patients to die in waiting rooms across the country. The cause of death? A severe drop in their sense of self-worth.

Many in Congress have already admitted that the thousand page bill cannot be read before the President's deadline, but would probably not be read even if given more time. This leads the casual observer to suggest that Congress handle this matter the way they handle other matters. Republicans and Democrats should just pull their dicks out and compare size. Whoever has the largest members has the largest vote. Health care solved.

The Dick-in-your-Hand Solution does possess a few drawbacks, though. Obviously Governor Mark Sanford and John Ensign would be exempt due to personal reasons. A less radical approach would be a shouting contest. Participants merely need to turn on their televisions for a few hours. Whichever party can air the most political commercials for their cause wins. Like many Americans, I refuse to take anything at face value. That's why I sided with the first commercial I saw. That's also why I called my grandmother and urged her to stay indoors after hearing Lil' Wayne sing "I wanna f*ck every girl in the world". Knowing Lil' Wayne's dedication to his work, I just couldn't take any chances.