Monday, November 30, 2009

Catholic Church Shuns Baby Killers

When you become a member of the Catholic Church, you don't just give over your Sundays, you give over your soul. Recently, Rep. Patrick Kennedy, son of the late Ted Kennedy, published a letter from Bishop Thomas Tobin of Providence, Rhode Island, asking for Kennedy to not partake in holy communion due to his pro-choice stance. This merge-ment of politics and religion is apparently spreading like wildfire.

The Southern Baptist Convention, the largest Protestant denomination in the world, has recently revoked its endorsement of ex President George W. Bush over an obscure Bible verse. Critics of the SBC are saying that this is too little too late, but proponents of the decision are calling for higher ethical standards applied to other political leaders as well. Bush has publicly stated that he will not go back on his anti-"Thou shall not kill" stance, and has encouraged other politicians to stand up to this merge-ment of law and common sense.

"Asking a politician not to endorse killing is like asking a donkey and a horse not to make babies", Bush said in a press conference last Wednesday, "It's asinine". Other killing aficionados have come to Bush's aide, including Dick Cheney, Rush Limbaugh and Lord Voldemort from the Harry Potter series.

Likewise, the Pentecostal Church has excommunicated ex-President Bill Clinton for his numerous extramarital affairs, and the United Church of Christ has shunned current President Barrack Obama for eating pork. There have been no verified sitings of Obama consuming pork, but it is widely believed that all African American males love pork and/or pork by-products, which is in clear violation of Leviticus 11:7.

When questioned about the snowball effect that his request to Kennedy has had, Bishop Tobin responded with, "I love that episode of the Dave Chappelle Show where he says, 'I know better than to get between a nigger and they pork'. Fucking hilarious. Hey, whatever happened to that guy anyway?"

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