Hey, it's me again. I know we haven't talked for awhile. I've been busy. I meant to call several times, but the moment never seemed right. I know there's a good deal of animosity between us, and I just want to be the bigger man and say, "I'm sorry". Let's put the past behind us and focus on what's important this holiday season. Primarily, what you're bringing me for Christmas this year.
Season 6 of A&E's Dog the Bounty Hunter wouldn't be a bad place to start. And if a $40 DVD set is too pricey, how about a t-shirt with Dog looking mean? Folded arms and sunglasses are a must. Also, I wouldn't mind a pair of Ed Hardy jeans- not because I admire the artistic work he and his mentor Sailor Jerry have created over the years, but because I saw some twelve year old at the mall looking really awesome in a pair. I want to be awesome, too.
All my wife wants for Christmas is for the trash to be taken out and for the floors to remain swept. So if you could send us a maid or something, that'd be really great. Just don't send that one maid that slept with Jude Law and ruined his marriage. I know, I know. Jude is just as much at fault. And I don't care how many times he apologizes, I don't want him cleaning my house, either.
That's about it. Once again, I'm sorry for the rift that's grown between us. And if Mrs. Claus didn't hear it from me, she would've heard it from someone else. Maybe instead of blaming me for your broken marriage you should follow Jude Law's lead and take ownership for what you've done. That or not let the paparazzi ride shotgun Christmas night.