Thursday, February 18, 2010

The New McItaly Burger

Recently, Italian Minister of Agriculture, Luca Zaia, gave the official seal of approval to McDonald's new burger, the McItaly. The McItaly is compromised of Italian beef, Asiago cheese and artichoke spread. Zaia claims that the sale of this hamburger will benefit Italian farmers who are struggling under the flailing economy. Critics claim that this collaboration of lunch and state is an attack on the very culture of Italy. I say that the industrialized food industry will work wonders on Italian life. Look what it did to the American South.

Hopefully fast food won't be Americas only export to the pointed boot. Our mobile home industry is booming. Who needs the upkeep on an Italian villa when you can vacuum a double wide during Judge Judy commercials? Plus, they can always hook it up to a pickup truck and drive to America when they realize that living in a country with strong cultural ties is far more time consuming than living in a country that doesn't care. We're the country that forgets to put a load of clothes in the dryer. Sure they've spoiled, but we can always wash them again.

What can't be washed off is the foul stench of sin. After we teach the Italians how to eat, we should probably teach them how to pray. Sure they're got the Pope, but we've got Pat Robertson. And if those two ever had a superbowl for the soul, my money would be on old Paddlin' Pat. He's got the balls to say the hurtful and dividing statements that the Pope only implies. Plus the ornate robes and antiquated rituals of the Catholic Church fly a little too close to the brightly feathered barbarians that brought our ancestors to America in the first place. Sure we murdered the Indians and pushed them into cramped squalor more than actually converting them to Christianity, but at least we tried. Italy, get ready for cultural extinction. Hey, I wonder if you can infect a blanket with ignorance?

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